It's always been there, always been there beside me, always held me down and told me not to move. It's there, nothing has changed. The only thing that's changed is that now I have a word for this feeling. It hurts. It's lonely. It's empty and full of pain all at the same time.This feeling however, is not the only thing that's been bothering me lately. Ever heard of Mysophobia? Well... it has slowly become evident to me that I have it. If something I don't trust touches me, I get this almost itchy feeling in my skin, like there's something thick and dirty on my hands and anywhere that something touches me. Some people make fun of it. Others just think I'm "weird." You know what sucks the most? The majority of those two types of people come from the family members I live with.
I think that's been the hardest part about both my issues. My family doesn't see what I struggle through, and it's times like these I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who understood, someone to hold my hand and say everything will be okay. Someone to love me and whom I can love back. Family doesn't feel right. Family has all but lost it's chance I feel. Familial love doesn't seem strong enough now. I need something deeper. Something both physically attached and mentally attached. I know it seems odd, that family it's strong enough, but the way I am now, family just feels forced.
Don't get me wrong, it's not all the time, but for times like these, where I have no where else to go but here. For times where I can't hold back my tears; that's when I need that deeper kind of love. Until then, I will leave a part of me here to remind me of the past, to help me move forward, and to make my future just a bit brighter.
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