Monday, November 2, 2015

Is this really going to be my life from now on...?

I've felt this way since before the last time I posted here. I've been trying to deal with it; over and over again, relentlessly being attacked by it. It's hard. It's so hard. I cry, I weep, I try to smile, and through my smile, it creeps up again. No matter what I do, no matter how excited I get or happy I might feel, it keeps coming back as though it were a part of me.

And maybe it is. Maybe this feeling has always been a part of me? Maybe that was the reason for my insanity from so long ago, maybe that's why it still has appeal for me, even now. Maybe that's why I keep coming back here, even when I feel like I should have been done with it ages ago. Maybe that's why all my posts seem to have the same feeling behind them, maybe I am just meant to forever feel this way.... Maybe this feeling, this loneliness, this depression, this sadness - whatever you want to call it - is just a part of what makes me, me.

That doesn't mean it feels good though. I feel like shit, all the time. It's been getting increasingly harder to do anything. Homework, cleaning, eating... anything. Everything hurts. Waking up, being with people, working, laughing, crying, having a good time. No matter what I do, I always get home and the first thing I want to do is cry my eyes out because I feel so god-dammed lonely that my heart feels like its being crushed from within my chest. I feel like shit. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, but you know what? I've felt that way since as long as I could remember....

Maybe there is something wrong with me? Maybe I have depression? Maybe I'm chronically lonely? Maybe this is a mental issue, maybe I feel like shit because of this mental issue? But what does that mean? Do I have to go to a psychologist just so I can be told I'm damaged? Well, guess what, I already knew that. Are they going to give me drugs? I don't want them. I don't care if these drugs are supposed to make me feel better. I don't want drugs to make me feel better, I don't want to run from my problems. I want to face them, get better for good, not for as long as I take this pill or that medicine. I want to be better, not feel better for this one second.

For as long as I can remember, I've always thought that I felt this way because I really was alone. I still think that way. The only time I've ever felt better was when I was with Ashlie. She was my remedy. My healer. My once-in-a-lifetime love. She still is. I love her, I do. That won't ever change. However, I feel like I've been feeling worse and worse since she left. Why? Because now that I've know what it feels like to have someone, now that that person is gone, I can only miss her and feel even more lonely than I've ever been before. School keeps me busy, as does work, but the moment I stop to think, my entire mood withers to an emptiness that seems to have no bottom. It's getting in the way of my studies. I'm having an increasingly harder time trying to get through everything.

So I am here, trying my best to put into word what ails me. It's not working. I can't describe well enough how this emptiness eats away at me, my energy draining as though it were a parasite. I can't tell you with words how much I want physical contact with just about anyone, just so I don't have to feel alone for those small moments in time, but that I won't touch anyone because I don't want to hurt even more later on. I can't paint a picture with these words of how much darkness clouds my vision no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Words don't do this emotion justice. It hurts. That's all I can say. It just hurts; it's endless, emotionless, and brutal. Loneliness hurts... it just hurts, nothing else. Just hurts.

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