As the loneliness sets it...

It's been a while now since my last post. It's been a while since I've had to force myself to write something here and face the pain I've been feeling. There's very few people who actually hear my voice when I speak, and even fewer who respond. Back in a time of disparity and confusion, of conflict and loss of heart, of pain and desperation, there was truly only one person who heard my voice loud and clear, and responded with as much heart as I had offered out.

She's the one that stands behind me when the world turns scary and cold. She's the force that holds my shoulders high in the face of my fears. She's the one that grabs my hand and tells me to keep trying. She's the one that shows me how to get through the loneliness and the pain that follows close behind it. She was there when nothing else made sense and everyone was killing me. She was there when I was insane and so alone that death was my best friend. She was there when I had gotten the courage to love my dad again. She was the binding force in a heart ready to break into a million pieces. She is the one who heard me, the one that saw me, the one that talked to me, and the one who never gave up on me. She's my grandmother and I'll owe her more than I could ever give back.

I've felt empty since as long as I could remember. An emptiness I don't think even those closest to me truly understand. There's a void in me that I myself may have created in a time of desperate desire for a love I was constantly refused. My friends would always leave me, my family wouldn't try to understand or listen to me, and my mother only fueled the insanity creeping slowly out from inside me. It had started as a simple desire to be loved, progressing into a desire for my "true" family, and finally becoming a delusion I brought to life through sheer will and a loneliness that ate at my very soul. Now that the delusion has ended, every time I feel weak at heart, every time I feel lonely, that desire for love does not cease, and in fact it has gotten stronger with each passing year.

With her death, with the realization that love is out of my reach yet again, I've cast that side of my heart into a dark corner and widened a wound that was already bottomless. My heart is empty, my soul is aching, my mind is weeping, and I'm more lonely than I have ever been. I feel empty. I feel hollow and withered. Even when I try to move on with my life, my mother yet again tries to throw me back into insanity. She is my shackle that tightens the closer I get to her. I need the release I get from going to school or work or just anywhere but here. Right now I don't want to think about her. My mind feels numb, my eyes hurt and I'm tired. I want to sleep and never wake up, I want to forget the pain. But I can't. I feel empty, but I can't give in to it. Even if I waned to, I feel like there's something stopping me now. Sometimes I feel like it's my grandmother. Others I feel like it's a prospect of happiness and love in the future that beckons me from the hollow ache inside me.

I don't want to think anymore. I want sleep and the minutes of sanity that comes from it. So sleep I shall, and sanity I shall chase. My battle will always be with loneliness. I know that now. So I battle it, so I sleep through it, so I come out and breath in another day. My battle will end one day. All I can do is wait and hope that isn't a lie.