Is this "it"...?

I know this is kind of weird to say this, but when I do, I'm completely serious. I don't know if this is what it feels like and to tell you the truth, it kind of feels a bit empty, lacking, and strange. When I think about "him," I feel like I want to be around him, to touch him, to hug him, to hold him, to look at his face, to just stare at him for hours. I feel like I want him to touch me, to hold me, to listen to me, to chain me to him. I feel like this is what it would feel like to be in love, but if that's true, then (though it may sound ridiculous) I'm in love with an imaginary person I have never met, never seen, never touched, never talked to, and never even heard the real name of. I call him "Tristan" and he takes the form of my big, fluffy pillow that is so soft and squishy. It feels so good to smother my face in "his" "chest" and wake up in the morning and feel "him" against my body. I've thought this way towards this "guy" for the past 5-6 years or so. Ever since 7th grade, I've always fallen asleep with "him" pressed against me. I feel like I belong to "him" and that "he" belongs to me and that as long as "he" is there, I can be strong. "He" is my safety cushion and my chains. I need chains. If I don't have chains, then I feel like I'll fall deeper into the hole in my heart. I want chains, something to tie me to this reality around me; even if that means I have to use a fantasy to do it. "He's mine." That's all I care about. I don't tell people about it and this is kind of my possessive/jealous side showing. I don't want people to make fun of me for my delusions and so long as I haven't been able to put a face to the feelings or name of this "Tristan" existence, this is the way things will stay. I know that once I find someone I've really fallen for and have become obsessed with, "Tristan" will have lost his purpose, but so long as I have someone to love and someone to chain me down, then I don't mind. "He's mine," whoever "he" may end up being, I won't let him go once I have him in my grasp. This is my type of love, and this is the type of love I need. Without it, I am nothing. So long as I have it, I am me. This is me, my type of mind set, my type of "me." Nothing will change how I feel about my current "lover" or about how I want to think. This is me, deal with it, or take your sh*t and leave! :3