Remembering a lost friend...

I know she may never read this and if she doesn't find it herself, I probably won't ever show it to her. This little post is for a dear friend I lost over a boy that ended up not meaning anything to her in the end. Sometimes I feel like she used him to get me off of her, like I was just a parasite to get rid of. Then I think about how much she meant to me and how much she changed how I look at the world around me and I can't hate her no matter how much betrayal I feel from her or how much I feel like she lied to me all this time. To me, no matter how hard I try, I still can't hate her... maybe that's why it hurts so much to think about her, if only I could hate her, then maybe I could forget about her. This is for you Justine... maybe now I can just let you go:

It feels like I haven't talked to you in ages, and thinking back, I remember how much fun we had talking about random things that really didn't mean much of anything. I know that these past high school years haven't really been the best between us, and now I feel that looking back at it will only hurt more, so I just want to say my final farewell before the end of the year. I know how important you were to me and how much you meant to me, although I'm not sure how you felt toward me, I will always feel sad to know that I lost you for good. However, I also realize that it isn't the fact that I lost a friend that hurts so much, but the fact that I've lost someone that meant so much to my life that when I thought of losing you, I also lost my understanding of how to live. When you were still with me, I remember thinking that if I lost you, I wouldn't know how I would live in this world without you. As things went, however, I seemed to do just fine without you and I can tell that you never really needed me anywhere near as much as I needed you. You were always the strong one, the one who could stand on her own and be able to support the world on her shoulders without breaking a sweat. I missed you so much that I broke down in tears almost every day thinking of you and you alone, but I am glad to see now that my worries for you were pointless. Whether or not it is of any concern to you, I plan to become a successful graphic designer in the future and do a bit of writing on the side. If I ever encounter you again in my field of work or otherwise, I would love to talk to you again, even if just for a short while. You will always hold a special place in my heart regardless of how you think of me, that will never change. Do you remember what it was like when we first met? I was the one who was almost always alone and bullied by those around me for my lonesome attitude and standoff-ish demeanor. When you approached me to be my friend, I told you that if you stayed, you would be bullied too, but that didn't seem to stop you. When you were by my side, I felt as though the world was invisible, like everything around me didn't matter so long as you were there. Maybe that kind of thinking is why I was so hurt when you left me. Even now, thinking back, I was probably the only one who clung so tightly to our friendship. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and I am never going to be able to hurt you again. One day though, even if it's a million years from now, if I were to meet you again, I don't think I would stop trying to be your friend. I will always think of you kindly and I hope for your success in the future. Goodbye my dear lost friend, and I will always love you.