When you lose something, its true, just like they say, that you don't notice until its already gone. Luckily, I didn't wait that long to find out. My best friend had, unknowingly, put a wall up between us; she pushed me away and I watched as the wall was built in front of me, my vision of her becoming ever more like stone. I don't have the confidence to push that wall down, I'm too afraid I'll fall and make a fool of myself to even try. (The reason for this being my past, I was constantly ridiculed and made fun of, constantly fearing and being afraid of everything and anyone who surrounded me. I still am and at this point believe I always will be.) My other best friend, one who I owe a lot to at this point, pushed me towards that wall, forcing me to take a step forward into my own fears; she kept doing so until I finally found the instance of courage I needed to finally speak what I was thinking out loud to the person those words were meant for, something I have been wanting to do for a long time but was unable to. That friend who created that wall still hasn't gotten rid of it, but I can finally see her, I can finally see her face again after what seems like such a long time. Even if it is from afar, this feels much better than staring at a cold stone wall; even if I'm not on the other side with her, I can at least see her face again... for that... I am beyond glad.
Its strange really... knowing that there is something you need to say to someone but am unable to due to your own fears of what might happen. I'm the type of person who needs a kick in the butt to be able to do the smallest of things, or at least, what most people would consider to be small. I know this has nothing to do with the previous topic but, in a way, I'm waiting for someone I can call dear to me. That person I had dreamed of for so long, the only person I want around me when I cry; I want that person to be able to notice what is wrong without asking me and be able to kick me into the right direction. I need guidance from someone who will always be there for me; someone more than a friend, less than a guardian, and more than a best friend. I'm hopeless on my own, a true coward, and totally afraid of even the slightest things in this world. Do you know what its like to wake up from a nightmare, your face covered in tears from a dream you remember vividly, and be too afraid to even breathe or move? In that situation, all I want is for someone to hold me close, to tell me its alright, that they will protect me - words I've always wanted to hear from somebody, not just a lover, but anyone. I have never heard those words before, nor have I ever been comforted the way I need to be, or even at all by a parent. I need safety, something parents are supposed to provide, but something I have been deprived of. I am screaming out for someone to whisper those words to me, but no one seems to hear those crys. I remember when my mom used to come in whenever I cried and pressure me into telling her what was wrong, something I loved very much since I liked to tell her what was wrong but never found out how to unless I was forced to (I'm kind of a masochist aren't I? ^^;;). However, one day she suddenly stopped doing that. When I asked her why, she would say because I was old enough to take care of myself... she told this to a 6 year old girl who barely ever saw her mom since her parents divorced and who cherished the little time she had with her mom. After that day, I never relied on her for anything... now, all of a sudden, she's trying to pressure me into talking to her and is getting mad when I don't... she doesn't get it, and I don't have to courage to face her anymore. Yet again, more words that I am unable to voice because of fears. I hate my fears and they hold me back... I'm just glad I'm at least able to voice myself through writing, even if my words seem like a riddle when I read them over again. Its the way my mind speaks, in riddles, riddles that I want the reader to figure out on their own.
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