It didn't take long...

Hi Daddy! ^^ It feels good to be able to say that to you again! Sooooo happy! :) Anyhow, "It can't be anyone but you. I always wondered why a million "Thank You"'s piled up and before I knew it, it was love. I realized I love you." When I read this in one of the manga that I constantly obsess about, I was filled with happiness. I still want to find that one person who will become my one and only... but until that happens, I will always smile (even if sometimes the smile is fake), and move forward! My dreams won't wait for that one person to find me, and neither will I (even if the time I'm in right now seems long and frustrating). I suck at voicing my feelings, and I'm glad that when I talked it out with my dad, it was through mail... I felt like it was easier to explain myself properly and say what needed to be said. That heavy weight on my chest has lessened and I feel a bit safer inside myself. However, the house I'm in right now hasn't changed... right now, I want to go quickly to my Daddy and hide away there with him and my grandparents who I owe everything to. I'm not easy to reach, but I always feel good to see that they have sent me something through e-mail. Recently, I found out that, whenever I wake up, I have a face filled with tears, my pillow is wet, and I'm sad throughout the morning... I don't know what I dreamed, but it probably has something to do with my mom. I think the reason I've had so many problems with my family is because I can't voice things... my pride, my fears, and my own self thoughts get in the way of speaking... plus, whenever I try to speak it out, and feel like I might be able to say everything, my voice is silenced by a parent who interrupts with yelling or verbal violence. She doesn't listen... never has, never will. I wish I had the strength to speak louder than her and force her to listen. I hate this, but then (meaning just now) I realize that I still have a world I can always escape to. Its my bed, that pillow and the fluffy warmth that puts me to sleep every night. Its warm, but not a normal warmth... maybe safety? or is it comfort? I'm not sure, but whatever it is, its something I've always wanted to feel. I'm just glad that I have at least one parent I can run to ^^ Its been a long time since I've known this feeling... I'm happy, and covered in bliss. I love this moment... I love it! *smilesmilesmilesmile* :3

Teheheheheheheheheheheheheeeee~........

.......Ok! Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!...................Ok fine! I'll tell you~.............It's my Birfffffffday~ *woops bit my tongue~ meant Birthday~ XD* Anyways~ Since I'm sooooo hyper right now~ I went crazy with the pictures this time~ YIPPEEEEEEEE~!!!!!!! XD YAY!!! BIRTHDAY'S RUUUUUUULE!!!!!!! ........tehe~

With all there is... is there more...?

With all there is out there, there's got to be more! Least that's what I've been thinking lately... Ok, ok! Maybe I should tell you what I mean by that.... I'm obsessed with anime... anime, anime, anime! Always and forever! XD Anyhow, I've been so into it lately that I feel like, since I'm constantly watching and reading anime/manga, I'm going to run out of things to do... but then I think, there's got to be more right?! So then I go searching and searching... and find something! Yippee!!! Anyhow~ ok, new topic! XD Assassin's Creed! Yay! I just learned that Assassin's creed existed about 2 months ago... I know, fail right?....Anyways, I've been so psyched to get the first Assassin's Creed from my brother for my B-Day that I've been watching playthroughs on youtube.... which I just now realized is totally stupid since doing that will ruin my playing experience...... wow... anywho~ being a gamer/anime freak is just soooo~ annoying sometimes! XD Well... anyways~ I'm gonna go stare at my computer now so... byebyez!!! :3

To my dad...

He's trying to rebuild a connection long lost in the flow of time. The key to which is my cooperation, and I will not give it to him. Good luck... but time is of the essence, if he cannot succeed in taking back my trust with in the time it takes me to graduate, I will never forgive him, and I will never give him another chance. To someone who might think this is harsh, you have no idea how long 12 years is to a 4 year old, nor how lonely those 12 years can be without the comfort of a parent you can trust by your side. Truthfully, at this point, I could care less if he actually did succeed... maybe then, when I think about the past, I won't have to deal with a salty and wet face all the time. Time is running out... and the time frame for forgiveness is running short. I just hope that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes he did for 12 years.

It's like fear is a chain...

When you lose something, its true, just like they say, that you don't notice until its already gone. Luckily, I didn't wait that long to find out. My best friend had, unknowingly, put a wall up between us; she pushed me away and I watched as the wall was built in front of me, my vision of her becoming ever more like stone. I don't have the confidence to push that wall down, I'm too afraid I'll fall and make a fool of myself to even try. (The reason for this being my past, I was constantly ridiculed and made fun of, constantly fearing and being afraid of everything and anyone who surrounded me. I still am and at this point believe I always will be.) My other best friend, one who I owe a lot to at this point, pushed me towards that wall, forcing me to take a step forward into my own fears; she kept doing so until I finally found the instance of courage I needed to finally speak what I was thinking out loud to the person those words were meant for, something I have been wanting to do for a long time but was unable to. That friend who created that wall still hasn't gotten rid of it, but I can finally see her, I can finally see her face again after what seems like such a long time. Even if it is from afar, this feels much better than staring at a cold stone wall; even if I'm not on the other side with her, I can at least see her face again... for that... I am beyond glad.

Its strange really... knowing that there is something you need to say to someone but am unable to due to your own fears of what might happen. I'm the type of person who needs a kick in the butt to be able to do the smallest of things, or at least, what most people would consider to be small. I know this has nothing to do with the previous topic but, in a way, I'm waiting for someone I can call dear to me. That person I had dreamed of for so long, the only person I want around me when I cry; I want that person to be able to notice what is wrong without asking me and be able to kick me into the right direction. I need guidance from someone who will always be there for me; someone more than a friend, less than a guardian, and more than a best friend. I'm hopeless on my own, a true coward, and totally afraid of even the slightest things in this world. Do you know what its like to wake up from a nightmare, your face covered in tears from a dream you remember vividly, and be too afraid to even breathe or move? In that situation, all I want is for someone to hold me close, to tell me its alright, that they will protect me - words I've always wanted to hear from somebody, not just a lover, but anyone. I have never heard those words before, nor have I ever been comforted the way I need to be, or even at all by a parent. I need safety, something parents are supposed to provide, but something I have been deprived of. I am screaming out for someone to whisper those words to me, but no one seems to hear those crys. I remember when my mom used to come in whenever I cried and pressure me into telling her what was wrong, something I loved very much since I liked to tell her what was wrong but never found out how to unless I was forced to (I'm kind of a masochist aren't I? ^^;;). However, one day she suddenly stopped doing that. When I asked her why, she would say because I was old enough to take care of myself... she told this to a 6 year old girl who barely ever saw her mom since her parents divorced and who cherished the little time she had with her mom. After that day, I never relied on her for anything... now, all of a sudden, she's trying to pressure me into talking to her and is getting mad when I don't... she doesn't get it, and I don't have to courage to face her anymore. Yet again, more words that I am unable to voice because of fears. I hate my fears and they hold me back... I'm just glad I'm at least able to voice myself through writing, even if my words seem like a riddle when I read them over again. Its the way my mind speaks, in riddles, riddles that I want the reader to figure out on their own.