Stopping to smell the flowers...

It's strange, ya know? People constantly talk about how they should stop to enjoy life, but when they actually get down to it, they never do. I hate it when things rush past me and because of that, I tend to build up stress. I keep telling myself that the stress I feel is because of the pace of the world around me, but in actuality, it's from the pace that I move through life. So every now and again, I lay longer in bed, I sit and listen to the sounds around me, I walk past trees and notice how they glimmer in the sun or moon light. Things are so calm around me; it feels reassuring to stop and stare at the clouds hanging in the blue sky - especially at night. I've always been nocturnal. I love the night life, the quiet of the air; all of it puts my mind at ease. I feel happy and safe in that darkness with the light of the moon outside my window and behind the clouds scattered in the sky. I love it. I love it. I can't say it enough. I love it.

Sometimes it's not fair though; my mom doesn't get it. Constantly telling me that I should wake up earlier, stay with the family, do family things, talk to her. I can't stand how regardless of how much I hate her, she doesn't bother to figure it out. She doesn't care enough to notice the pain I go through just being around her, she doesn't care enough to ask the reason behind why I act certain ways, and the rest of my family (that live in my house with me) don't help at all. They tease me 24/7, they bother me with their stupid and painful jokes. I hate it. I tell them to stop joking with because every time they do, it hurts to feel like they ignore my feelings. It's like I'm supposed to trust in them and like them because they are family, but what if I can't feel anything for them but hatred? Where and in what rule book does it say that family members have to like each other because of blood ties? Why do people say that I can't really hate them because they are family? What concept is that based on? I've hated them since I was very little. If that feeling hasn't changed until now, why would it suddenly change just because they are family? After all that they've put me through, I can't wait to get away from them. I hate being around them. They irritate me with they presence; they ignore my wishes, they lie to me, they constantly bully me, they make me feel like I'm insane, and they never try to ask what the reason is behind my actions or behavior. Excuse my language, but fuck them! Screw their wishes! If they won't treat me like a human being, why the hell should I even bother to give them the time of day? Just recently, I told them I don't like the way crabs look; they scare me and creep me out, so I told them to stop trying to get me to go near it. Especially if it is alive. I feel bad for it since it is going to die. I'm not a vegetarian, mind you, but I still think it's cruel. But anyways, so after I told them that, they put the live crab in front of my door, they put it on my bed, and they pushed me into it so that it was right in front of my face. I hate them. My mom kept telling me to get out of my room and come watch it get killed. I hate them. That bitch then opened my door forcefully and brought the crab with her, telling me to come and watch it's death. Fuck them. Screw them. I have very good and realistic dreams about killing her and the rest of them. Go to hell. All of them can go to hell. Fuck them. I hate them.

Stopping to smell the flowers is the only way to keep my sanity while living in this house. I love those moments, but I can't wait to get the hell away from these assholes.I dedicate this post to those simple moment where my mind is at peace and away form the hell that exists in this house. The simple moments that exist after the sun has long set beyond the horizon. The days that have nothing but moonlight to illuminate them. The nights of the full, blue moon glowing from the heavens. The moment in time when all I want is for time to stand still. My sanity is still here because of those moments. Stop to look at the world around you, for if you don't, the insanity that rushes past every day will catch you and never let go. The world around you is much more beautiful than you've ever known, all you have to do is look for that one spot in this world that makes your heart feel at ease. I've found mine and it has kept me sane for the last 3 years, the years that followed after leaving my fantasy behind.

OH! And update on that tattoo I was talking about forever ago! I'm seriously considering getting it after I get into college and am 18 years old. The year I turn 18 holds extraordinary significance to the reasons behind getting those wings tattooed on my body, so I want to get it done before I get lost in the real world. I want the tattoo to remind me of where I came from and to never let go of the future I've carved for myself. Also, instead of getting it on the under-side of my right wrist (since that is very easily seen by others and I don't really want to display it - the only reason I picked that spot was because of for 1. my fetish for wrists, and for 2. I wanted to be able to look at it all the time), I decided to get it on the front of my shoulder. Ya know, that open space between where your shoulder starts and your collar bone ends. Right in the front, above my breast and bellow my shoulder bone on the left side of my body. That way I can cover it up easily and can look at it easily and whenever I feel like it since it is right in the corner of my eye. I'm excited for it.

And on that note, I stop for this post. :)