My best friend, the moment we met, could tell what I was. She could see it and when she told me, I didn't understand. I don't feel like I am, I feel like I'm just a little different, that I see things different, that I'm just not "normal." I was okay with that. I knew I wasn't very socialized, I had been very sheltered when I was younger and I never tried or wanted to be around people. Why did I have to be "normal?" What's so special about "normal?" Why can't just being me be enough?But now I get it, I finally understand what I am and why I want so badly to cry right now. I'm what my best friend called socially awkward. I zone out while starring at someone, they ask what I want/need, and I say "Oh, it's nothing, sorry." Thinking all is fine and nothing wrong, I go on with my life, but in their view, it was strange. Why would I be standing there and starring at someone if it was "nothing?" There was no reason, I had no reason, maybe a lingering thought stopped me and I was entranced in the movement of something in front of me, but that doesn't mean it had to do with anything important. There really was no real reason to stand there. So then why do I do things like that?
Because to me, I'm in my bubble and what I do can just be ignored. I'm the person people can just ignore, just look straight through. But they don't. They see me. They notice me. They see my weirdness, my oddities. My non-normal behavior
. I'm not normal, I'm strange, I'm different, I have a world of my own and I live in it and don't notice anyone else. I'm scared of that. I'm unhappy with that. I can't let that keep happening.
I don't know how to change. I can try to be more aware of my actions, of how they might affect someone else, but what else can I do? I don't notice the things people think are strange. I don't notice that people see me standing there and ask themselves, "What's she doing?" I don't get it. I don't see it. I need to start noticing.
Where do I begin...? I wish someone could just stand next to me and tell me when I look odd, how to change my behavior, and how to be more "normal." But I can't... and I'm scared of what might happen if I don't notice those things. I wish I could be my own observer. I wish I could see. I feel so blind, so ignorant, so sad and scared.
What do I do...? How do I change...? I want to be more normal... more social... more accepted. I want to fit in, fall into the background... if only I knew how. If only I knew how.
My love, normal is a wide range of impossible objectives that the world set so high that no one in their wildest dreams could fully meet. I know I could say the cliche "who wants to be normal anyway?" or "don't let others choose how you live your life." But it's hard, social hierarchy is a factor in our society and unfortunately there are a set of regulations that most people follow in order to be deemed fit for a general life style. You don't. You have to understand the world will judge you for every aspect that you are. If you are skinny, fat, tall, short, smart, dumb, boring, or what ever, anyone can find a way to make you feel less then what you deserve or that you don't fit in. Some people just hide who they truly are better then others. I bet you anything, that if every person was honest about themselves (like you are) then the world's "standards" would seize to exist. But their not. Although in my eyes not a single ounce of that matters if you like who you are. Because I promise you, even though some people are going to find you weird and introverted, those that are worth your time will love you for who you are, and why fill your life with any other type of person? Think of it like this, you are worth so much more to this world as a unrestricted and self- governing woman then you could ever be if you tried molding yourself into someone else's perception of who they think they would like. Besides when you're time has come to leave this world and everything is at an end, what will you remember? A person forced to live an unfulfilling charade of themselves, or a person who knew who they truly were and lived life to the fullest, knowing that the entire time, they didn't just go through life...they actually lived it!
ReplyDeleteHello Shannon,
ReplyDeleteSorry if i can't write really good in english, i'm very bad in this language but i feel pressured to answer your posts.
Don't be sad, Don't want to be normal. You are not normal and is a quality ! If you feel that you are alone, look around you, i'm sure that there are some people ( they understand your value ) who love you and want to help you.
Look for happiness even if you walk on a unhappy way ! The life is short ...
I'm sorry if i can't help you or if i didn't understand all yours stories ...
Friendly, Mathieu.