It's finally dawned on me...

My best friend, the moment we met, could tell what I was. She could see it and when she told me, I didn't understand. I don't feel like I am, I feel like I'm just a little different, that I see things different, that I'm just not "normal." I was okay with that. I knew I wasn't very socialized, I had been very sheltered when I was younger and I never tried or wanted to be around people. Why did I have to be "normal?" What's so special about "normal?" Why can't just being me be enough?

But now I get it, I finally understand what I am and why I want so badly to cry right now. I'm what my best friend called socially awkward. I zone out while starring at someone, they ask what I want/need, and I say "Oh, it's nothing, sorry." Thinking all is fine and nothing wrong, I go on with my life, but in their view, it was strange. Why would I be standing there and starring at someone if it was "nothing?" There was no reason, I had no reason, maybe a lingering thought stopped me and I was entranced in the movement of something in front of me, but that doesn't mean it had to do with anything important. There really was no real reason to stand there. So then why do I do things like that?

Because to me, I'm in my bubble and what I do can just be ignored. I'm the person people can just ignore, just look straight through. But they don't. They see me. They notice me. They see my weirdness, my oddities. My non-normal behavior
. I'm not normal, I'm strange, I'm different, I have a world of my own and I live in it and don't notice anyone else. I'm scared of that. I'm unhappy with that. I can't let that keep happening.

I don't know how to change. I can try to be more aware of my actions, of how they might affect someone else, but what else can I do? I don't notice the things people think are strange. I don't notice that people see me standing there and ask themselves, "What's she doing?" I don't get it. I don't see it. I need to start noticing.

Where do I begin...? I wish someone could just stand next to me and tell me when I look odd, how to change my behavior, and how to be more "normal." But I can't... and I'm scared of what might happen if I don't notice those things. I wish I could be my own observer. I wish I could see. I feel so blind, so ignorant, so sad and scared.

What do I do...? How do I change...? I want to be more normal... more social... more accepted. I want to fit in, fall into the background... if only I knew how. If only I knew how.

An echoing vibration, the numbing sound...

My mind is numb, aching, echoing, longing for something. It's filled with thoughts, happy, sad, torturous, and even romantic thoughts, all of which continuously circle inside my mind. It feels numb. So numb. Like the sounds around me have turned into a hollow vibration slowly moving through the air, buzzing around me, never stopping. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't feel good. It just is. There's nothing to feel. Numb. Just numb. I feel numb.

I'm not sure why; maybe lack of sleep, maybe stress, maybe sadness and loneliness as I sit here missing my friend. I know she misses me too, I know I could have spent an hour with her today, and maybe that is the reason? I feel guilty? I want to see her, I want to be with her, but then I also need to watch my health more closely now too. I haven't been feeling well, mentally, physically, spiritually. I've just felt so dead inside, so "sick" without the usual fervor that follows "illness." I wanted to see her; as I slept I dreamt of her today, nothing special, just her face, talking like usual. Somehow it was peaceful, but then I noticed her smile. It was sad, so very sad. So empty. So hollow, like the sounds that surround me. I look at her hand, holding a piece of paper. It has nothing on it, nothing special, but it's soaked in a blue-red. Like the pain she feels is spilling out through her blood, while her broken heart turns cold and icy. I miss her. I want to be with her and tell her everything is alright.

That I am here, that no matter what horrible kind of day I might have, I will always listen when you ask me to. Texting is hard for her in that way though. She hides her pain, her sadness behind a wall. She says it's to protect me, but I don't believe it. I think it's because she wants to keep herself hidden away, like she's too ashamed of her pain. It's as if she believes her pain insignificant, not worthy of being talked about, or just not important enough. She could never be so wrong. I don't know how to tell her I care, especially when my actions don't always show it. How do I tell her she is constantly on my mind without her thinking I'm overreacting, making things up and just "saying" things. How do I tell her she's the most important friend or even person I've ever had in my life without her thinking I could "try harder" to make a connection.

How do I let her know how much of my life is because of her? I miss her. My head feels numb, empty, sad even. My heart is sleepy and lonely. My body is sore and tired, but I miss her. I want to see her and hug her and hold her tight. I want to tell her how special she is and how amazing I think she is for fighting the constant urge to give it all up. I want to give her a way out of this state and out of this confinement she calls California. I want to bring her all she could ever want from this world, but I can't and I'm sad. She's so special. So important. So beautiful to me that I just don't want to let her go.

I'm selfish. I'm jealous of all the other people she calls "friends." I want to monopolize her friendship, but I can't. I'm arrogant. I want to be the one to give her the world, but I can't. I'm ignorant. I want to bring her happiness, but I don't know how. I'm useless.

But I still love her, and no matter what path she goes down, no matter how far away she is or how far we drift from each other, so long as I have her ingrained in these words, I won't ever forget her. She might forget me, but that's okay. As long as she's happy, I think I'll be okay. I'll cry, I'll wallow over losing yet another person that I held dear, but if she's happy, if she's in a place that can bring a true smile to her face, then I'll cry in the darkness and watch her thrive in the light. I'll be content in her smile and I'll be glad to have been a part of her life, even if that part breaks off, falls away, or is forgotten. I love her more than anything in the world. So long as she's happy, that's all that matters.