After the end of probably what I could consider my first relationship... it's hard to write this. Some of my posts just flow, despite the pain, but right now, I'm trying desperately to forget everything that happened. Absolutely everything. I want nothing to remain... so writing this is like digging into an open wound. I don't want to write this. I don't want to have to write this. It was supposed to be easy, but he made it so much harder. I was supposed to break up with him and then allow him time to heal from sadness, but he's not the type to show anything. He never showed happiness, never showed emotions of any type. Not even when we were together, which is one of the reasons I broke up with him, but instead of the sadness I expected from him, I see none. All I see is blatant avoidance, contempt, and hatred, but what makes it worse is it's not visible. It's like it's cloaked in a veil of false sadness and underneath is only hatred. A seething hatred. All pointed at me. It makes this so much harder. It's why I want to forget everything.I told him when I broke up with him the things that bothered me: his lack of hygiene, his lack of emotion, his lack of personal opinion, and his lack of even the slightest care for how he appears (I mean yeah, it's good to not care what other people think and all, but there's an extent to it - he had no extent, he cared a total amount of zero percent when it came to absolutely anything). It was like, just when I had told him the things that bothered me, he decided to get back at me by making sure he did everything he lacked ten times more. It was as though he were rubbing salt in my guilt, ruining my every memory of my time with him. At first, they were good memories, learning memories, but now they just hold pain and mistrust. I had tried to give him my heart, but he gave me nothing back, only words that meant nothing. He would always say, "I love you," and whether he meant it or not, he did nothing to show it. Those words meant nothing to me to begin with, I told him that, but he did nothing to give them meaning. And then there's what I gave him....
I gave him everything. I tried to give him my heart and I had already given him my body. I hate that. Those words. That truth. The lies. The pain that before I was with him I was more lonely than my heart could bare, but now... now.... Now it's just empty. There was a hole in my heart, and now that hole has been dug out, emptied, and the edges have become more jagged. Most of all, my heart isn't broken, just hollowed out, carved out from the inside, like someone reached in, grabbed a chunk of it from the center, and pulled it out, leaving a gaping hole much larger than before. It hurts. I want to forget, to make the loneliness more bearable, but I have classes with him, I eat in the same place as him, and it's almost impossible to avoid him. So every time I see him, the memories resurface and dig that hole bigger. He took my everything... I gave him my everything... and he destroyed it. He made the relationship we were in empty and made the break up a nightmare.
I blame him. Why shouldn't I? I tried to give him my heart and my world, but he had nothing to share, nothing to give, and did not try to either. It makes me mad that I didn't realize this earlier... no, that's not quite right. I feel like I knew the moment we were first together, that first night, that first time I gave him everything. I feel like I knew, deep down, that things wouldn't work out, but I tried anyways. I tried to make it all work somehow. Tried to make something out of nothing. As time went on, it became harder to lie to myself and I think I only held on because I wanted so badly not to be alone. I wanted so much to have someone love me back as much as I loved them, but I didn't love him to begin with. I tried to turn my desire for love into love itself, and all I got in return was pain and an empty loneliness.
I feel like my heart is hardening... like I have no reason to try anymore. I feel like the only thing I have right now is just an empty pain, a soulless body, living but not alive. I feel so empty... I just want it all to go away, all of it to disappear. I don't care what memories I have to lose in return, I just want these memories to die, to never have existed. I want them gone... because if I don't, I know it won't be long before I break. I'm not strong enough to handle this, so I need support, and I don't have that. I am my own support and all I can do is try to make the sadness go away. I feel like that relationship was a mistake, like it all shouldn't have happened to begin with. I want it gone.
My memories are so fragile and my memory itself is so fluid and mutable. I can take away what I like and destroy what I must, but trying to remember the little things that I want so badly to remember is like swimming in an endless black chasm, with no bottom or jagged edges to catch what has fallen. In order to find what I've lost, I would have to give something in return, and the same goes for memories that I want to forget. In time I'll have forgotten him, but then I'll also realize that something has been lost along with those memories. It will be something precious, something I will not have wanted to forget, but I won't be able to get it back, and I understand that risk. Right now though, I just want these memories gone. So I stand at the edge of the darkness, take a breath and plunge myself into it. I wait, the darkness surrounding me slowly eating the memories I want to discard along with another that I wish to hold onto, but for my selfish desire to forget, the darkness claims something in return. That is the rule, that is the law, and that is something I cannot change. I will take that risk, and soon, these memories will be gone.
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