You are worth the wait...

My dear Ashlie:

To a person who means the world to me, I don't know what I would do without you. You are worth more than you realize, and whoever cannot see that, is not worth your time.

Her heart was hurt, it was burnt, it was scared, and it was shattered and broken, but each time, she got back up and moved forward. I have faith in her, I won't ever judge her, and I will always be beside her. However, she was hurt today, and the person who hurt her isn't worth anything. He does not deserve her, and I know one day he will regret leaving her. She is beautiful - she sparkles and shines, she covers her eyes, and she is scared and wounded, but she is more precious than the most rare gem, more than the more perfect diamond or crystal. She is brighter than the sun, even when covered by clouds, she is amazing and she changed my life. I want her to be happy. I want her to find the person that can love her just as much or more than I can.

He was not that person, and he hurt her. I want her to know that she does not need to hide, she does not need to stop those tears, or stop the pain. I want her to know that she should let the pain out. She should scream and cry and wail and thrash about, that she should let her wounds burn and scar and fester. But also, I want her to know that the pain will heal her. That the pain will ease with the scaring, that the wounds that are not on your body in any way can heal, though slowly and harshly, they will heal. They will scar and leave marks, but those marks are what make her beautiful.

You are beautiful, Ashlie. You are amazing to me and you shine brighter than the most flawless star in the universe. You have no idea how strong you are, and I'm not saying that to burden you. You are strong. You have courage unlike all those people who have burned you and watched you bleed. You are worth the world, and when they can't see that, it makes me more angry than you could believe. I would kill for you. I would murder the world just the ease your pain. I am weak, but I am not about to stand by as someone takes you when they don't deserve you. You give until there's nothing left to give, you give your heart and your body, and for everything that you are, you are worth so much more.

When the day comes that you stand by the person that sees you brighter than the stars, I want to be there, to both congratulate you and see your smile, untainted by the past, untrained by years of fake smiles, and unbelievably beautiful.

Let your wounds out, let the tears drain out your pain, let it all go and don't you dare hold it back. Don't bottle it up, don't hurt more than you need to, and try to find the beauty in the sky once more. Look up and see the future that I do. Look out into the night sky and wonder where that true love is, because it is there and you will find it. Just as I know that you will heal, one day, I know that there is still hope in your heart, I know that the real reason you hurt is because you hope, because you innocently hold onto hope and for all the right reasons too. You are not wrong to hope. Hope is your light and I don't want to see you without it. So hope, heal and live on, and hope and love and live. Let the tears wash away the pain and let love heal a broken heart. You are worth all of it, and one day when all the pain seems easier to bear, you'll find a love so true that everything that has happened before will have seemed worth it. No matter how much it hurts, no matter who that scumbag may be, I will stand by you and be here, helping you stand once more, helping you hope once more. Hope, feel pain, heal, and love again.

You are worth it, don't you ever forget that.

You are worth the wait.

Emptier, more jagged, and lonely....

After the end of probably what I could consider my first relationship... it's hard to write this. Some of my posts just flow, despite the pain, but right now, I'm trying desperately to forget everything that happened. Absolutely everything. I want nothing to remain... so writing this is like digging into an open wound. I don't want to write this. I don't want to have to write this. It was supposed to be easy, but he made it so much harder. I was supposed to break up with him and then allow him time to heal from sadness, but he's not the type to show anything. He never showed happiness, never showed emotions of any type. Not even when we were together, which is one of the reasons I broke up with him, but instead of the sadness I expected from him, I see none. All I see is blatant avoidance, contempt, and hatred, but what makes it worse is it's not visible. It's like it's cloaked in a veil of false sadness and underneath is only hatred. A seething hatred. All pointed at me. It makes this so much harder. It's why I want to forget everything.


I told him when I broke up with him the things that bothered me: his lack of hygiene, his lack of emotion, his lack of personal opinion, and his lack of even the slightest care for how he appears (I mean yeah, it's good to not care what other people think and all, but there's an extent to it - he had no extent, he cared a total amount of zero percent when it came to absolutely anything). It was like, just when I had told him the things that bothered me, he decided to get back at me by making sure he did everything he lacked ten times more. It was as though he were rubbing salt in my guilt, ruining my every memory of my time with him. At first, they were good memories, learning memories, but now they just hold pain and mistrust. I had tried to give him my heart, but he gave me nothing back, only words that meant nothing. He would always say, "I love you," and whether he meant it or not, he did nothing to show it. Those words meant nothing to me to begin with, I told him that, but he did nothing to give them meaning. And then there's what I gave him....

I gave him everything. I tried to give him my heart and I had already given him my body. I hate that. Those words. That truth. The lies. The pain that before I was with him I was more lonely than my heart could bare, but now... now.... Now it's just empty. There was a hole in my heart, and now that hole has been dug out, emptied, and the edges have become more jagged. Most of all, my heart isn't broken, just hollowed out, carved out from the inside, like someone reached in, grabbed a chunk of it from the center, and pulled it out, leaving a gaping hole much larger than before. It hurts. I want to forget, to make the loneliness more bearable, but I have classes with him, I eat in the same place as him, and it's almost impossible to avoid him. So every time I see him, the memories resurface and dig that hole bigger. He took my everything... I gave him my everything... and he destroyed it. He made the relationship we were in empty and made the break up a nightmare.

I blame him. Why shouldn't I? I tried to give him my heart and my world, but he had nothing to share, nothing to give, and did not try to either. It makes me mad that I didn't realize this earlier... no, that's not quite right. I feel like I knew the moment we were first together, that first night, that first time I gave him everything. I feel like I knew, deep down, that things wouldn't work out, but I tried anyways. I tried to make it all work somehow. Tried to make something out of nothing. As time went on, it became harder to lie to myself and I think I only held on because I wanted so badly not to be alone. I wanted so much to have someone love me back as much as I loved them, but I didn't love him to begin with. I tried to turn my desire for love into love itself, and all I got in return was pain and an empty loneliness.

I feel like my heart is hardening... like I have no reason to try anymore. I feel like the only thing I have right now is just an empty pain, a soulless body, living but not alive. I feel so empty... I just want it all to go away, all of it to disappear. I don't care what memories I have to lose in return, I just want these memories to die, to never have existed. I want them gone... because if I don't, I know it won't be long before I break. I'm not strong enough to handle this, so I need support, and I don't have that. I am my own support and all I can do is try to make the sadness go away. I feel like that relationship was a mistake, like it all shouldn't have happened to begin with. I want it gone.

My memories are so fragile and my memory itself is so fluid and mutable. I can take away what I like and destroy what I must, but trying to remember the little things that I want so badly to remember is like swimming in an endless black chasm, with no bottom or jagged edges to catch what has fallen. In order to find what I've lost, I would have to give something in return, and the same goes for memories that I want to forget. In time I'll have forgotten him, but then I'll also realize that something has been lost along with those memories. It will be something precious, something I will not have wanted to forget, but I won't be able to get it back, and I understand that risk. Right now though, I just want these memories gone. So I stand at the edge of the darkness, take a breath and plunge myself into it. I wait, the darkness surrounding me slowly eating the memories I want to discard along with another that I wish to hold onto, but for my selfish desire to forget, the darkness claims something in return. That is the rule, that is the law, and that is something I cannot change. I will take that risk, and soon, these memories will be gone.

Reliving the pain...

I wanted to see it all, the pieces of my life that I've slowly gotten used to, the pieces that I had suffered over and then written in this blog. I wanted to see who she was, that person from four years ago. We're not the same person, we never could have been. She and I are two different people now, and though we share a past, memories, and scars, we are different. I was reading one of my posts, reading one of the sadder ones, the ones that feel empty and lost in depravity. One that seemed hopeless and damaged, so painful and so raw and bare of all masks. It was like I was watching the memories of those words, the memories hidden in my writing, play out before me, but the person they spoke of, the me they spoke of, she felt like a stranger. I had to remind myself, with tears in my eyes, that she's no stranger, she's me. She is me. That won't ever change. There's always been that part of her that wished the me right now or even a future me could go back to her and tell her that everything would work out somehow, that one day everything would be okay. I remembered that I had once even believed that might have happened. Maybe it had been a dream, of a fantasy that I had conjured up, but to her, it was the closest thing to reality. I wish right now, in this very moment, I could go back to her and tell her everything was going to be alright. I want to be her strength, to thank her for pushing through it all, for living long enough for my future to be possible. I owe her so much, and after everything she's been through, all for me and my future's sake, I don't even know where to begin.