I don't know what to do...

I got a boyfriend... and I'm not sure what to say about that. It's new, and right now, it's not exactly concrete or set in stone. It feels uneasy, I feel unsure, insecure about it. He says "I love you," and I believe him, so I reply with "I love you, too." There's a problem though. What does that mean? That word... "love." I don't know what it is, I don't know if I actually "love" him because I don't know how to love... that feeling is very vague and ambiguous to me.... I know from my experience with my grandmother that I understand what is important to me, what is precious, but that also means I know that Alexander is NOT precious to me... not in the same way... he never could be. That I have no doubts of. My grandmother was someone more special to me than anyone I had ever known, and though she's gone, that doesn't change. Alexander though... I just don't know. What is he to me? What do I feel for him? Sexual attraction? A need to be loved? Is that it? Is that the only thing I feel for him? Nothing else? Is that really it? Because as far as I know, it is... and that scares me. It's like I'm trying to prolong a relationship, to see how far we can go, when in my heart I know it is going to end, and painfully at that. Normally, in a situation like this I wouldn't have hesitated to break it off... but there's something holding me to him, something different about him, something that makes me very unsure. I don't knot if it stems form the sex that is unsatisfying, the fact that he never truly expresses any of his emotions to me (never truly smiles, laughs, or indulges in pleasure), or if it's just because it's all new to me and he isn't helping me overcome that anxiousness, that anxiety. What if it's all of the above? What if it's both he and I that have made me so unsure... is he even aware that I'm so unsure and insecure? Does he even see it? Or is this one of those moments where I'm hiding it too well and need to make it obvious? Or what if he just feels content with the way we are and that's it? Does he even want to pleasure me in bed? Does he even truly want to express his pain, his happiness, his anxiety with me? Does he have a past he doesn't want to share? Does he have a reason for his expressionless face? I've opened my heart to him, I've opened my pain to him and showed him my wounds, but does he even have any to share? Is his life so perfect that he has nothing to share with me? I want to get to know him, but if he remains a blank slate, I'll never know him.

I want this relationship to work. I want him to want to look well groomed, to trim his beard, wear a proper shirt and pants correctly, and bathe with soap. I know it's just simple stuff, I know it's something he isn't used to, I know it sounds like I want to change him, but I like him the way he is and I want to show him to the rest of the world, show the man I see to the everyone. I like him. I know that. I don't know, however, if that is "love." I want to be near him, of that I am sure. I love to be around him because he makes me smile, lets me forget the pain in my life, and holds my hand through the toughest times. He's good to me, but he's also very soft. He's tender. He walks as though there are jagged rocks underfoot. People have told me he might be insecure since this is his first relationship, that he is not sure how to tread in the waters around me, how to approach the emotional side of intimacy, but I don't know if I believe that. No, it's not a flat out, "I don't believe it." I'm just not sure if that's true. I want more from him, I want someone who will be aggressive in their advances and sweep me off my feet without me having to lay out the path and put down the steps. I don't want to be in control, I don't feel comfortable in control, it scares me and makes me feel insecure and afraid. I'm scared.

I'm scared. It's just become obvious. I'm scared that this is all he expects from this relationship. I'm scared that if it ends, I'll end up hurting him. I'm scared that if I let him go, I will have lost a very good friend. I'm scared that once it ends I won't be able to turn back to what things once were, or know how to go back to how things once were. I've forgotten how to watch a movie with him next to me and not hold his hand. I've forgotten how to be near him and not fantasize about a night of 'would-be's and 'hope-to-be's. It's been too long. I'm scared to lose him and then be all alone again. What if it ends? What if I tell him I want to break up? What would be my reason? I feel insecure? I'm unsatisfied with the sex? I want him to be an aggressive person that he could never be? I'm asking for too much and I know he can't give it?

I don't know what to do...

I can either stay in the relationship and ride it out, insecure and scared the whole time, try to fix it in some equally frightening way, possibly hurt him with what I say, and hope things get better, or just end it now, somehow find a way to return to just being friends, and be filled with a pain that I wouldn't know how to handle. It's hard, this relationship thing. There's no doubt though, that I would do it all over again. No, I wouldn't do things differently. It's hard... but it's supposed to be. Nothing is easy. It's how I learn, how I grow, but that doesn't make it any easier in the moment. It is still hard.

I want to talk to him, to try and figure this out, but every time I think like this, I go see him and he's all happy about something or another, and I feel guilty for wanting to interrupt his happiness and possibly hurt him. I don't want that conversation to end in a break up... I really don't. I'm scared. I really am. Too scared. Scared to face his pain, scared to hurt him, scared to lose him, scared to say "I can't do this anymore." I'm just scared, and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. The people I have talked to have told me to talk to him, but that doesn't make it easier. They can't talk to him for me, they can't take away my fears, though I wish they could. It's between Alexander and I, a situation I'm far from used to, far from comfortable with. He's the longest I've been with, the longest relationship I've clung to. He's the one I thought I could see a future with, but the more I think, the more I wonder and hope, the more I feel unsure, uneasy about it all. These doubts... they are hard to deal with on my own. I wish I could talk to him, but I'm afraid and I don't know what to do...

I just don't know what to do... and it's tearing me apart and breaking my heart. It's making me wonder what "love" truly is, if I am in it, and what it feels like. It has broken my mind to pieces with endless fear, endless doubts, and I don't know what I should do anymore...

You've given me so much...

I can't stop crying long enough to do anything. I have a final tomorrow, I have homework to complete, projects to do, life to continue living. But right now none of that matters. She's dying. There's nothing I can do and she's dying. My grandma, the one of three people that I love most in the world is dying of cancer and I can't do anything about it. She has only a few weeks left, says the doctors, and I can't even go see her right now because of school. This is probably the one and only time I've ever truly wanted to completely skip out of school for someone else. I want to be there with her. I want to hold her hand and say "everything is going to be alright," even though I know it won't be. I can hardly see the screen or the keys as I type. I think I've been crying non-stop for the past 4 hours now. I don't want her to die. I don't want to loose someone so special to me. She helped me get my daddy back. She helped me when no one else saw my pain. She was there for me when I needed someone the most. I don't want to loose her. I want my grandma to be okay. I want her to live, to be there when I graduate from college, to see me make her proud, to be there when I tell her how much I love her. Words aren't even enough to express it. I love her more than words can fathom. I love her more than life, more then a future of happiness. I love her and I don't want her to die. Please, by some miracle, please, if there is any god in this world, any heavenly being, please... please somehow make everything okay. Please somehow fix her. Please somehow make her better. Please somehow allow her to live long enough for me to say goodbye. Please. Please. I don't want to miss my chance. I don't want to get there too late. Just one day. Just one day to say goodbye is all I ask. Just one. Please just one. I just need one. Just one. She's given me so much that I couldn't possible give back to her, and now I'll never have that chance....

I love you Grandma, I love to more than anything in the world. You've given me the strength to live, the will to keep trying, to never give in. You've given me the best grilled cheese sandwiches I could ever have. You've given me a loving family I can run to when I need them. You've opened my world and freed me from a cage. You've given me the meaning of life. I love you so much I can't stand to see you go. You'll be in pain, you'll suffer and it will hurt, so I won't ask for anything more than just one day. If you can hold out till I can get to you, I'll promise to hurry as fast as I can to get to your side, to be able to hold your hand tightly and say "I love you more than you'll ever know, you've given me so much I'll never be able to repay, and I know that somehow, someway, everything will be okay. I love you more than life. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you."