Too much...

I'm breaking under the pressure, or at least it seems like it. I don't know how much more of this constant stress I can handle. This week especially was horribly heavy on my mind and body. First, it was spring break so I knew I had a whole week off from school. However, that weekend was taken up by a visit from my dad. I mean yeah, I was sort of happy to see him, but at the same time, I haven't seen him in a long while and I knew things were going to be very awkward between us, so I wasn't looking forward to spending a precious break from worries with him. Plus, he wasn't too helpful with that; he kept trying to buy me things, regardless of the price. I mean sure, a trinket here or there is nice as a present, but when someone you practically barely know tries to buy you a $400 glass dragon that would just sit and collect dust anyways (and constantly insists on buying it even after we leave the store), the first thing that comes to mind is, "He's trying to buy me and I hate it." The next day wasn't much better though... but at least I was with my brother and sister-in-law that time. Then, the weekdays came. If you are thinking that I would have an entire week to relax, then you are completely wrong. The entire week I was at intense training to become a lifeguard from 10am-6pm from Monday to Friday. With my insecurities on pretty much everything and breaking down to the point where all I tend to say is, "Sorry, I suck at this, I can't do it... sorry." Even I got annoyed with myself, but that didn't help, then I just started hating myself... wow, endless cycle much? Either way, I just finished the final test day for training and holy crap I over reacted to everything, flipped out, hated myself for over reacting, flipped out, shook with nervousness, flipped out, hated myself for flipping out, flipped out, and finally said, "Why the hell am I even here?! Just kill me already!!!" God, I've had enough of this! Just give me a break already! Damn it damn it damn it damn it! I can't stand not even being able to support myself anymore! I'm breaking down and my body can't even keep up with it. If this continued I feel like I might as well just kill myself because at least then I'd be able to sleep! Fuck this! Fuck my life! Fuck every little thing that keeps getting in the way of my time to breathe! I'm suffocating from this pressure, and no one even notices! I hate this, hate it hate it hate it!!! No amount of venting will change it either! I hate this! Damn it.... And the worst part is, I've already given up on trying to resist a long, long, long time ago. I don't have the strength anymore; I'm just laying there and taking the beating because I've lost all hope of ever regaining my footing or even breathing. It's not fair, why does it have to be this painful, why do I have to put up with it, when will the pain stop, would it just be better to die now? I've had enough of a life that kills me with every step I take. I'm at my limit; please just end this suffering, someone please just make it all stop.... I'm tired... I don't want to think anymore, so someone just stop all the thoughts, all the pain, all of everything.... Life isn't worth protecting if you don't even have the strength left to live it.... I'm not ready for this life's changes yet... a new baby, getting a job, finishing high school, being a lifeguard, loosing contact with my brother, missing my sleep, hating my mom all over again, losing the little hold I have left on myself, getting older.... I'm not ready for this.... I want it all to stop, just for a moment if possible, so please... just end this....

And so...

It has all ended hasn't it. She's gone and there is not a single thing I can do about it. I felt like I owed her so much, so I gave her my everything, my all the time, my heart, and my friendship. Then, she found that she needed my existence no longer. I was nothing to her. She apologized, like everything would go back to the way it was and she would continue using me. I was just a tool for her when she transferred 6 years ago. I was the only one who was without a group. I was an outcast. She used that to her advantage and, even though being beside me would cause her trouble, she stayed for the time she needed me. I thought that she was a really good friend for staying beside me... I was wrong... and I wish I wasn't. I don't regret meeting her, she was my best friend... and in my heart, she will always be the one who stood by me in my time of pain and loneliness. I wanted her to be happy, so I thought that as long as she was happy, I wouldn't mind what she did. After all, she was the one who showed me what happiness was; she was my light in the darkness. Then, that light left, and I am glad I have grown able to stand up on my own. I wanted her happy, but she abandoned me, and I will never forget the way she looked at me when she left me for good. You chose him over me, and threw me away with the coldest of stares. I am weak to pain, and you hit me in my most painful area. You hurt me more than you will ever know; you don't deserve forgiveness, but I am unable to hate you. I am disappointed in you, and I will never see you again. Justine, this is my last goodbye to you... I only wish that this could have lasted longer.... I will always miss you, the way you made me laugh at anything, your smiles hidden behind your expressions, your kindness always making me feel better. I loved everything about you; my dear, precious friend, I will always remember you. When you fall, I won't be there to pick you up again. I just hope that he will be able to make up for what you will never gain back from me. I miss you; it was fun while it lasted - goodbye and farewell, I won't see you again....