Last night, I went to the Winter Ball at my school. I had been so excited for it for so long, I had even planned to wear a little bit of make-up for the first time in my life. I decided to go with my friends and I had planned to dance a bit with them. However, when we arrived, my hands shook with fear and nervousness - nervous from the large amount of people and fear because I didn't want to make a fool of myself and give people a reason to go back to bullying me... I was so scared. Since the dance room was pitch black, no one could see me crying, and whenever someone came up to me and asked me if I was ok, I would always pull a smile in the middle of my shrouded tears and say everything was fine - lying through my teeth. But then, a guy I know, one who always seemed to notice me on the sidelines, pulling me into the group and making me feel happy and accepted, a guy who is truly kind to me without flaunting his kindness. He saw me on my own and asked me if I was with someone, I said my friends, he asked where they were, and I said dancing, then he said I should go dance too, but I said I couldn't - too afraid to even look into the dance floor. He started teasing me, trying to get me to laugh again, saying if I didn't go dance he wouldn't keep being nice to me - but I was too scared and now I thought that I might lose a friend because of my fears and I hated myself for it. When he saw me crying in the split second that a dance light hit my face, he put his hand on my shoulders and felt me shaking - he knew, without asking, that I was scared and unable to move. He just sat next to me (note that he came with a girl - not his girlfriend, just as a dancing partner) and he said to the girl that it would only be a minute and he took me over to the wall for a minute and said to me, "What are you so afraid of?" Something I've been wanting to hear for a long, long time. I couldn't answer, my tears taking my voice from me, so he just sat with me on the bleachers and started trying to comfort me, in the end he made me laugh and said, "Smile Shannon, you look your best when you smile." Brian's kind, I thought, kinder than anyone I know, and he doesn't even know it. In that second, I had fallen in love with him... someone I knew I could never have, my first love, and already out of reach. After the dance, I started to remember that tease from earlier, and I wanted to make sure he was still my friend - I needed at least that much. When I asked him, he said "Of course!" like it was a given to him, something that for me, could easily disappear. Later on, I wanted to thank him for still being my friend, but couldn't find him. Instead I found someone who was going to meet up with him at Denni's later, and told him to tell Brian that "Shannon said 'Thank you.'" Now that I think about it, I wonder if he got my message... on the night among many, I shook with fear, cried, fell in love, realized my love was pointless, and almost lost a friend but left him with a message. It was a night I don't ever want to forget... and hopefully never will. I love you Brian, that I know will never change... maybe one day, I'll share my blog, and my feelings with you, but for now, so long as you are still my friend, I don't mind waiting just a little bit longer.... That night, Brian also made me realize how I made myself experience so much pain, hopefully this is easy for you to understand: I stand in the darkness and when I see someone else there, I lead them to light and happiness, while I myself stand on the border between light and darkness, fake smiling, hoping someone will notice me, unable to walk through the door to light, a watch their smiling faces and wonder why they are so brave? Then when Brian noticed me, I got a taste of light, but was too afraid to walk froward, thinking, what if someone else is still in this darkness all alone like I am, I don't want anyone to feel like this, so I wait there, and wait, a spectator - something I can only ever hope to be... just a spectator and that only....
