Hey everyone who reads my posts, sorry its been a SUPER long time since I last posted. Loads have happened and its all too much to explain all at once. I was sick, scared to death, petrified, lost in the deepest of my darkest thoughts, immersed in pain and sorrow, afraid of life, afraid of this house and the people in it, and finally (as in right now) living in thoughts that make me want to stop thinking forever. With all of this in mind, I made the playlist at the bottom of the page, listen and you might get an idea of the feeling I've had lately. I especially like "Empty With You" right now. I feel as though my mind is being ravaged from the inside out, and torn to bits and pieces. If someone were to ask me if I was alright, like I am right now, I would probably hate them. If I'm crying right in front of someone, and they ask if I'm "Ok" then they truly don't care (in my mind) because they can't see that I'm not "Ok" just by looking. My opinion of someone who really cares is someone who watches from the sideline and sees without asking. I hate ignorance... people who can't see what's right in front of them. To me, ignorance isn't bliss, is the wanting to not see what's around you. For me, I see myself as a person lost in a damp darkness, grasping my own arms as tightly as I can to keep myself from falling any further. I'm on my own here in this place, scared out of my mind of who knows what (there are too many to count), and just hopelessly, ignorantly, and selfishly waiting for someone to find their way into this darkness with me, and pull me into the light with warmth and safety. I think to myself in this darkness, "Will my words be heard? If I cry, will someone come and find me then? Will I be alone like this forever...?" I hate my fears, I hate the way I fear everything.... And most of all, I hate fearing my fear of being alone forever. My life has been short, but for all of my short life, I've had no one, not a single person to hold me as I cry.... My grandparents are the only ones I trust, but they are far away... further than I could ever be able to see. I miss the way things were in the past, the way my parents were kind, when they were right there next to me. My dad is gone now, and my mom, who originally abandoned me (or at least, she was rarely home), is now trying to make up for that time 15 years later by never leaving me alone when I'm finally used to being alone. The last memory I have of a happy family is of the night my dad left and everything crumbled to the ground. He pushed my mom on a table, breaking the table, the screaming wouldn't stop, my brother and I watched in the corner, under the cover of the darkest of a moonless night, my eyes unable to let go of the people screaming and fighting before me; from that point, it seems like I was forever stuck in that place, that darkness, desperately covering my ears trying to shield them from the loud screams, ultimately failing and paralyzed from fear. I'm paranoid because of my fears, and recently those same fears have pushed my friends from me as well. Because I fear so much, I unknowingly push the people around me further and further away from me. They play jokes on me, the friends I thought I could trust with my fears, pushed them at me, and my only defense pushed back, harshly and abruptly. The friends I thought I could trust have betrayed my trust... now I smile fakely towards them as they seem to be walking further and further ahead of me... while I get left behind, alone once again, treas falling under hidden eyes in a new, deeper darkness. The pain never seems to end... does it. I miss the past.... but I long for a brighter future.... Let's just hope it doesn't take too long to get here...
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