Is this "it"...?

I know this is kind of weird to say this, but when I do, I'm completely serious. I don't know if this is what it feels like and to tell you the truth, it kind of feels a bit empty, lacking, and strange. When I think about "him," I feel like I want to be around him, to touch him, to hug him, to hold him, to look at his face, to just stare at him for hours. I feel like I want him to touch me, to hold me, to listen to me, to chain me to him. I feel like this is what it would feel like to be in love, but if that's true, then (though it may sound ridiculous) I'm in love with an imaginary person I have never met, never seen, never touched, never talked to, and never even heard the real name of. I call him "Tristan" and he takes the form of my big, fluffy pillow that is so soft and squishy. It feels so good to smother my face in "his" "chest" and wake up in the morning and feel "him" against my body. I've thought this way towards this "guy" for the past 5-6 years or so. Ever since 7th grade, I've always fallen asleep with "him" pressed against me. I feel like I belong to "him" and that "he" belongs to me and that as long as "he" is there, I can be strong. "He" is my safety cushion and my chains. I need chains. If I don't have chains, then I feel like I'll fall deeper into the hole in my heart. I want chains, something to tie me to this reality around me; even if that means I have to use a fantasy to do it. "He's mine." That's all I care about. I don't tell people about it and this is kind of my possessive/jealous side showing. I don't want people to make fun of me for my delusions and so long as I haven't been able to put a face to the feelings or name of this "Tristan" existence, this is the way things will stay. I know that once I find someone I've really fallen for and have become obsessed with, "Tristan" will have lost his purpose, but so long as I have someone to love and someone to chain me down, then I don't mind. "He's mine," whoever "he" may end up being, I won't let him go once I have him in my grasp. This is my type of love, and this is the type of love I need. Without it, I am nothing. So long as I have it, I am me. This is me, my type of mind set, my type of "me." Nothing will change how I feel about my current "lover" or about how I want to think. This is me, deal with it, or take your sh*t and leave! :3

Remembering a lost friend...

I know she may never read this and if she doesn't find it herself, I probably won't ever show it to her. This little post is for a dear friend I lost over a boy that ended up not meaning anything to her in the end. Sometimes I feel like she used him to get me off of her, like I was just a parasite to get rid of. Then I think about how much she meant to me and how much she changed how I look at the world around me and I can't hate her no matter how much betrayal I feel from her or how much I feel like she lied to me all this time. To me, no matter how hard I try, I still can't hate her... maybe that's why it hurts so much to think about her, if only I could hate her, then maybe I could forget about her. This is for you Justine... maybe now I can just let you go:

It feels like I haven't talked to you in ages, and thinking back, I remember how much fun we had talking about random things that really didn't mean much of anything. I know that these past high school years haven't really been the best between us, and now I feel that looking back at it will only hurt more, so I just want to say my final farewell before the end of the year. I know how important you were to me and how much you meant to me, although I'm not sure how you felt toward me, I will always feel sad to know that I lost you for good. However, I also realize that it isn't the fact that I lost a friend that hurts so much, but the fact that I've lost someone that meant so much to my life that when I thought of losing you, I also lost my understanding of how to live. When you were still with me, I remember thinking that if I lost you, I wouldn't know how I would live in this world without you. As things went, however, I seemed to do just fine without you and I can tell that you never really needed me anywhere near as much as I needed you. You were always the strong one, the one who could stand on her own and be able to support the world on her shoulders without breaking a sweat. I missed you so much that I broke down in tears almost every day thinking of you and you alone, but I am glad to see now that my worries for you were pointless. Whether or not it is of any concern to you, I plan to become a successful graphic designer in the future and do a bit of writing on the side. If I ever encounter you again in my field of work or otherwise, I would love to talk to you again, even if just for a short while. You will always hold a special place in my heart regardless of how you think of me, that will never change. Do you remember what it was like when we first met? I was the one who was almost always alone and bullied by those around me for my lonesome attitude and standoff-ish demeanor. When you approached me to be my friend, I told you that if you stayed, you would be bullied too, but that didn't seem to stop you. When you were by my side, I felt as though the world was invisible, like everything around me didn't matter so long as you were there. Maybe that kind of thinking is why I was so hurt when you left me. Even now, thinking back, I was probably the only one who clung so tightly to our friendship. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and I am never going to be able to hurt you again. One day though, even if it's a million years from now, if I were to meet you again, I don't think I would stop trying to be your friend. I will always think of you kindly and I hope for your success in the future. Goodbye my dear lost friend, and I will always love you.

The end...

Hey, it's been a really (and I mean REALLY) long time since I last wrote on my blog. Remember when I said that my blog existed as a place for me to vent? Well, it has served for that purpose very well, and I believe that because of it, I was able to live the way I needed to, without getting lost in the depths of my own dark thoughts, in order to follow the path to the future I yearn for. I remember when I wrote about my dad or my best friend (even now it hurts to think about them) and I cried as I wrote and the tears fell silently and made it hard to see as I typed. I remember the pain as I wrote on this blog and now that pain remains hidden in the words wrapped within this blog. Those words stay there and hide until I find them and read them over again. I relive that pain as I read them and I never want to forget it. Its the pain that made me who I am, who I want to be, and who I remain as while I grow. I know that when people grow the hardships they experience can change them and that truth has been thrown at me since I was 4 years old. I don't mind changing, but there is one thing I never want to forget. I don't want to be like my parents and completely ignore my children's worries and pains like my parents did to mine. They brushed it off as teenage angst or childish behavior. They never stopped to question why I might act a certain way. Everyone has a reason behind their actions, whether they say it outright or hide it inside like I do. I know that whatever that reason is, it is never childish because it is the reason that they have changed and it is the reason they have become who they are.

What I'm trying to say is that, when I have children of my own, I want them to know that they can tell me anything (and unlike my parents who say that and then make it so I can't trust them by lying straight to my face, I'm not like all those people who say that to their children while their children say "I know" and think "You're lying"). I don't want them to feel that I never knew what they were going through. What they experienced was not just a mystery to me or something that I have shrugged off into the past like most adults. I want to become the type of person who remembers the pain I felt as a teenager, the way it felt to be lied to 24/7 by the people society expected me to have the most trust in, my family. I hate my family, the people I live with, because of the way they act. They treat me like a burden without ever saying it out loud and by finding people they feel comfortable around, they have left me alone, scared, and sad. They bring me on trips and take me places with them and the only thing I can say truthfully from those experiences is that I have gained the ability to fade into the background. I hide in plain sight and that has been the only way for me to really protect myself from all the pain of being anywhere near them - to disappear has been my only escape.

I'm saying that I want my blog to be the reason why I never forget the most painful times. The times that have shaped who I am are written here and they are something I never want to forget throughout my life. I want to be able to show this place to those who have forgotten what it is like to be a teenager, or even teenagers themselves. I want the people who have forgotten to think that they once felt this way and remember those times. For the teenagers, I want them to know they aren't alone like I felt I was. That they can confide in me and know that I am someone who hasn't forgotten the way it feels to be hurt by those around you.

I remember a time in my life that if I tried to explain it now it would be tedious and you would think me insane, but it is the time in my life that has effected me the most and when I turn 18, the age that is most relevant to that time in my life, I want to get a tattoo on the underside of my right wrist of a  pair of outspread wings no longer that 2in and no wider that 1in. I know my memory isn't very good, but if I am to forget everything on this blog, if I can remember that one moment in my life, everything else doesn't mater. That moment in my life is so important to me, I want to carve it into my skin so that I never forget it for as long as I live.

I know this splurge has been a bit strange, but it wasn't specifically written to be totally understood either. Anyways, I'm not sure I'll be writing much on my blog anymore. I'm going to be a senior next year, then spend a year off before going to college, and once I get to college, I doubt I will use it much. After all, the reason for all my pain is my family and once I move out for college, I'm hoping all the pain will disappear with them as they leave my life hopfully forever.

Its...

People tell me its not worth it to fall in love... to feel all the pain and suffering, but even if all that's true, I want to feel it all. All the bad and all the good that makes the bad seem so small. They can tell me that love is just pain and hurt, but love is also happiness, comfort, joy and beautiful. I have never felt the love that I'm talking about, and I feel that all the bad things that could happen while in true love are just a part of what makes it love. Love is triumph over the trials that life throws at you, and if you can overcome them, your love is true. I believe that even if you "fall out of love," it is still possible to find true love. However, I don't believe it's possible to fall out of love because if you do, then you didn't really experience true love in the first place. I know that this splurge is sort of small ( I expected it to be longer), but I just wanted to say something after all this time. :)

Without all of me here...

It's been maybe a little over a year since I made this blog (maybe longer, not sure and too lazy to find out), but I never really specified what it is that my blog name actually meant. Well, here goes nothing:

First of all, the word "here" refers to the blog and the words that I write. The words "Without all of me here" literally mean that a part of me is "here" and the other part is on the other side of the computer, in other words, the one typing the blogs. When I made the name, I wanted to give it a sense of: "This is me, who I really am underneath all the fake smiles, the pitiable laughs, and the mask that I've created to shield myself from the rest of the world. I don't want to hide any longer; I want to prove to myself that the person I've created through these 17 years of my life is not all of who I am - that there is a part of me I've hidden from myself." This kind of feeling that I tried to convey through those cryptic words was something even I didn't understand as I wrote them. (Most of the weird phrases I write are like that - I try to find the meaning in my words long after I've written them, even if at the time, they were just words that needed to leave my mind through writing.) "Without all of me here" to me means that the me now and the me in the words on my blog are two different people. I know that the words I write tend to be very confusing sometimes, but as long as this place stays online, there's also the hope that in the future, when things have (hopefully) changed, I can look back at this place and realize that the me now was never an illusion, that the memories that I am cursed to forget are hidden in these words, a secret message only I will understand. I don't want to forget the pain I've gone through; these harsh emotions are what have made me the person I am so proud of. I want to make sure that anyone who reads this blog knows that no matter how much time passes, or what depressing things I might write on this blog, I will never resent myself, regret the life I've lived and the choices I've made, never let go of my little bit of hope I have left, and above all, I will never end my own life because of the emotions I convey through this blog or harbor within me.

This place is my haven; a place I use for release and it is something I hold dear to me. I will never forsake the words I've written here and I hope that maybe these words will tell someone else out there in this vast world, that they aren't the only one with fears and pain held deep within their hearts. This life that we have been granted is long, and the right to end it will never be our own - if we were to have that right, then the lives of the people around us would also have ended, and the life they would have lived with us in it would never be recognized. I won't tell all of the people that read this blog that life is something that is "precious and should be treasured" because the life they live may not be "precious" or "treasured" by them. They may hate their lives, or resent their own existence and I have no right to tell them not to. All I can do is say that, the life they live is not their own, that the life they live is the life of their future selves, and if they take away that life, then they are unfit to dream or hold hope in their hearts. The words "precious" and "treasured" mean that the life they live is something they have pride in, it is not, nor should it ever be, the opinion of someone from the sidelines who is unable to change their experiences or their fate. The words mean nothing if the person holding that life does not say it themselves and truly believe it.

When I first realized this truth, I was scared, frightened that I wouldn't be able to change what would happen, and my fears were right. I have no way to change the events that are carved in time even before I ever existed. However, I have the ability to change how I experience those events. For example, if I had suddenly seen someone get severely injured in front of me, that experience could shock me or even traumatize me. Or, I could see my chance to use the knowledge I have gained by taking a first-aid training class and help that person possible saving their life. You see, the event that I couldn't change was the fact that the person got severely injured right in front of me. However, the difference between the two is, in one time frame, I am unable to help them because I don't have the knowledge I would have gained by taking the training class because I didn't ever take it. In another, I took the class, and was able to help them. The part that I chose was taking the class or not taking the class - in other words, I chose how I would experience this unchangeable event that happened in my life. (Note: This has happened before, and instead of being traumatized, I am glad I was there to see the event and help out in any way I could.) I love the fact that I have the ability to do that. I call this "Fate and Destiny." I believe that a person's destiny is unchangeable (or the "event"that I spoke of above), but fate (the course of events that make up destiny - the "way someone experiences something" in the example above) is something only the one who lives that destiny is able to chose and make into reality.

-----In the end, I got a little (okay, maybe a lot) off topic, but my point is, now you know. If anything in my blog can change the way someone thinks, then my life won't be the only one saved by the words I write.

Had enough...

It's been a while since I posted something like this... but to tell you the truth, I don't post things here to get advice or sympathy or anything like that. I post here because if I don't, the only other person I can vent to right now is me... do you have any idea how lonely that sounds? I'm not talking about venting to my grandparents or my dad when I know they will listen, I want to hear a voice in my ear without a phone and miles between that voice and myself. I hate this house, I hate this family, I hate this cold loveless feeling I get whenever I'm in my own home. ...I don't want to keep talking like this... but I've lost hope that things might change, that things had to change... I can't find meaning in living the lie that with time, things will get better... no matter how long I wait, I have no hope that anything will ever change. I'm done waiting... the moment I get out of this house for good is the moment I'm finally free of all of this. I've had enough of waiting, so I won't wait anymore.... All I've ever wanted was for someone to show me what love feels like. I've never known what it felt like so what is that supposed to say about the people who raised me? I know there was a time when this house was filled with love, and it was such a warm feeling, but where did that feeling go? I've forgotten what it feels like to have it around, but why do I have to forget? I'm just waiting for someone - not a parent or a family member because I doubt that they can change anything at this point - to show me what it feels like to be loved, cherished, and thought of tenderly. Maybe the reason I feel like I've become a masochist is because I'd rather have harsh contact instead of no contact at all. I bet when I'm older and I read this, I'll feel like going back and telling the me who wrote this that things will get better, but since that's not possible, nothing will change, and as far as I know, nothing is going to get better in the future... but all I can do is wish that things will change. At least in my dreams I have someone in my mind who loves me, someone who touches me and looks at me they way I need them to. Its not that I want love, its that I need love... maybe one Christmas I might actually get the ultimate gift that I've been wishing for from Santa... maybe, just maybe.

Felt like a year...!

Long time no see!!! I feels like so much time has passed since I last posted!!! Here we go!!! Ok so, after confessing the fact that I am a masochist, I have realized the extent of that single word seems to grow with each day (before long, I'll be getting aroused by a cut... scary thought >O<...). I'm not happy about realizing this, but to tell you the truth, I'm not as bothered by it as I thought I was... oh well. I mean, sure I want a relatively cruel and sadistic man, but I also want him to treat me right, ya know? Well... anyways... lots have happened since I last posted and thinking back on it all, I wouldn't even know where to begin. Actually, everything that bothers me and I post about is all kind of the same stuff over and over again. I know I seem like I've gotten over it all and have moved on, but in truth, nothing has changed. Everything is the exact same as it was when I first started posting on this blog. Things still feel awkward with my dad and there's nothing I can do about that since we don't see each other enough to change that. I still hate my mom and everything about her and the things she's done to me without even knowing it. I resent my home life and keep thinking, "I wish things could have been different." At the same time, however, I've noticed that while I write this, I feel nothing. Its like I've become numb to what goes on around me and I think that's what might bother me the most. Either way though, like I said, there's nothing I can do about it. But I know one thing for sure. No matter what happens in my life, and no matter what past I seem to cling desperately to, nothing will change how I shape my future. Nothing will change the way that my future will turn out and how it will become mine some day. That one truth is all I have and is the one thing I can always look forward to. My bright future waits for me, and that's the one thing I won't let anyone take away from me, not even my darker thoughts can change that.

It's wrong, so very wrong...!

You know, after all the things I've read, watched, and gotten turned on by, I think I've slowly turned myself into a masochist. I know, bad right?! I realized in the past month or so that I like the kind of guy who is slightly sadistic, controlling, manipulative, someone who can force me into submission and put me at their mercy, and yet at the same time kind and gentle. Contradicting, yet somehow, erotic. I really feel like I'm getting picky lately. Also, I caught myself just the other day as I passed by this guy I had a crush on (not an uncommon thing now days) and I thought, and I quote, "I really want him to just push me against the wall with all his strength, grab my wrists and hold me there as he kisses my violently and passionately." I'm a perv.... It's so wrong!!!! I keep thinking, "What is wrong with me?!" and then I think, "...I really want a boyfriend...." I think this is mainly the result of just being sexually frustrated and not knowing how to relieve it myself. (I know its completely inappropriate right now, but I've never once been able to fully experience an orgasm or come :'( It makes me sad...) Well... I'm just hoping that I get a boyfriend before (at most) the end of my freshman year in college. I fear that if I don't, I'll be so frustrated that I will end up going out with whoever, having sex with whoever whenever and where ever, and end up pregnant before I turn 25.... Not a good idea! Boyfriend troubles, break ups, at that point, none of it would matter since I'd be way too horny to care. The only thing at that would be going through my mind is, "God, just give me sex and make me come!!!" I'm too damn much of a horny, slutty, pervert! It freaking sucks! And to top it all off, I'm also a freaking masochist! ...Well... can't get much worse, right? (Least I hope so O.O - on another note... my blog seems to be turning into a porno site... *looks at pictures*)

Hello again...!

When worse comes to worse, right? Anyhow, the reason I said that was because right now, my classes aren't going to well grade-wise. I have a D+ in Physics, an F in Pre-Calculus, and probably an F in French. Well, tell you the truth, it's all my fault for neglecting my homework as well as not studying for tests. However, I've made a vow that I would change all that starting today. I plan to stay after school today and talk to a few teachers about how to change that. I plan to study and I plan to get my grades up! I want 'A's! And best time to do it is now, since the mid-terms are still a ways away... Wish me luck!!!

I...

Tonight, they were in their room, talking. She was crying, he was sympathetic, they blamed themselves and were in so much pain, but all I could do was sit idly by and listen. I felt so powerless, useless. The one that I love and the one that he loves are in so much pain and there isn't a single thing I can do for them. This feeling of insecurity and helplessness. How am I supposed to help them? I wish I knew what to do, I wish I had someone there to teach me, tell me how to react. What should I do? How should I react? What should I say? How should I say it? All these questions and so many more arise in my head as I continue to do the only thing I know to do - become a spectator in the life of those around me and just wish them happiness and joy, for that is all I am capable of. (Made the picture for this one in Photoshop.)

Hey All...

i'm gonna be hanging out around my other blog a lot now since its for my animation class. If you wanna keep updated, check that one out too. Here's the link again: http://whenallgoesfornothing.blogspot.com/

New addition...

Made a new blog since my computer animation teacher wanted us to post work on it and I didn't want him to see my embarrassing posts... O.O;; ANYHOW! ENJOY!!!!! The link is down below! :) http://whenallgoesfornothing.blogspot.com/

This feeling... a secret for life.

I've never known love, that feeling of being in love. I wouldn't even know where to begin if someone said they liked me. How would I respond? I don't know what love feels like so I wouldn't even know if I felt the same way for them, that they felt for me. The only thing I do know that might even be anywhere close to the feeling called "love" is how I feel towards my brother. Strange isn't it? To have these feelings for my brother, to know what it feels like to love your brother for more than a brother. People call this incest... but all I know it as is a painful feeling that must forever be hidden. A secret to never be told, one that will stay with me for life. One that will make me cry and cry because I know that I am never under any circumstances allowed to speak these feelings aloud. These feelings must never be aloud to surface... not ever.

Just to say hi...

What's up? I'm loving school lately and suddenly got bored at home so here ya go~ Lalala~ I got nothing so enjoy the picture :)

The Last Day That Begins To Cry...

I know it might not be totally appropriate but let me explain the reason for these photos.

The first one: Just the thought of his feeling so good to his loved one's scent is so familiar its scary (a.k.a. - that's something I wish to do one day too).

The second one: I've always wanted to know what it felt like to kiss; the warmth on my lips, closing your eyes and only being able to feel that person's presence and touch, my lover's tongue deep within my own mouth, the feeling it gives me - I've wondered what it all feels like and wanted so much to experience it.

The third one: My most erotic scenes in my mind consist of when my lover comes up from behind me and kisses the nape of my neck and moves his hand up my shirt, while at the same time, holding one of my hands by the wrist as I shyly try to resist the exotic feeling of his touch that makes my knees go weak and my mind spin and go blank. Not being able to see my lovers face, I'd only be able to feel his touch and be desperately hanging onto that feeling so that I don't ever forget it.

The forth one: Engulfed in my lovers scent, my head would spin and I would be dizzy in his arms as he held me so close to him. I would become weak and susceptible to his every movement. He would hold me close to him and slowly lower us both to the floor where he would sit in front of my quickly becoming limp body and hold me in his arms so very tightly and warmly. Just so gentle his hands would be as he reached behind my back and moved his hand slowly up my shirt. He would whisper, "I love you" in his raspy whispered voice and my mind would melt at the touch of his breath in my ear and on my neck. He would start kissing my neck and moving down my body with his mouth and tongue, slowly laying me down on the floor and letting my arms lay back in relaxation. He would move down to my stomach and slowly lift my shirt with his hand while his other one holds his body above mine. He would kiss and lick my body and move closer and closer to my chest as he uses his hand to slowly lower my bra strap. (As you can see, this little fairy tail came from just one picture and the three others, I won't go any further since my entire face up to the tips of my ears are bright red right now. Anyways, that's my explanation for these pictures, hope you enjoyed my fairy tails :3)

This is the last day off I've got before my Junior year starts... Boy am I missing it. Last night I felt like my head kept spinning, a sort of dizziness that felt so calming and warm. It felt good, I felt relaxed, but at the same time, I felt this longing for someone to hold me tight as I slept that night. I started creating another story in my head about my fantasy lover "Tristan" and how he was so gentle and kind and patient with me. In my dream-like state of mind, he was so very precious to me. I felt as though I could feel his every touch, his every finger that trailed along my body and made me shiver in ecstasy. It was pure bliss, and at the same time, it made me realize the reality of my loneliness once more. Even so, that feeling seemed so real that it gives me hope that my "Tristan" is out there just waiting to find me and I am so eagerly awaiting his warmth as he holds me tightly in his arms and I fall asleep to his warming scent. I have fallen in love with the lover of my mind and I am waiting to feel that kind touch on my skin. It makes me smile when I think about him, I don't know what he looks like, what his voice sounds like, or even what his personality is like, but I am in love with him. Even though I know it isn't an actual love, I like to believe that this is what love feels like. I want to one day feel that touch, smell his scent, and know his loving voice. Ahh... ahh... just thinking of it... it feels so nice I could fall to pieces from this feeling in my chest. What a way to end summer; with tears of desperation welling in my eyes, a peace in my body and mind, and a comfort that exists only in my mind. I long for it all in reality, and in doing such, I feel the loneliness of it all. It feels nice to dream but once I wake, the pressure is almost unforgiving. I live with it in hope that these feelings will one day become my reality. In peace, bliss, and ecstasy, I welcome the new school year.

School...

Well. Here comes school again! *Ugh...* But anyways... so I was reading a post I made for my class last year (it was a story-type project for World History and the second world war - "From Past To Present, You Will Live On Within Me") and I just thought... "WHY THE H*CK DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE CHARACTERS *sniff* DIEEEEEE~?! Waaaaaaaa~ *cries.*" Well, the reason is, every single story I make, someone always seems to die in it... and it freaking SUCKS! Anyhow... stupid story... you made me cry.... (What else is new?! <.<) So yeah, school... (I don't even want to talk about it....) ................................grrr~ :3

Here's the link to the story "From Past To Present, You Will Live On Within Me"

Just a quick one...

Okii, so this pic just made me laugh... this straight laced guy who concentrates mainly on work and has a hidden lusty side to him says to his lover (guy x guy relationship) as he is licking a frozen banana at a festival in the summer heat, "Just bite into it already!" and he replies, "No way, its frozen!" And you can see the seme's (the guy on top in the relationship and who is wearing a suit) face totally flushed and red from his perverted thoughts...... :)

Just to brag...

Ok, so, this pic (points up) is the final for my 2D-Design class and I liked it so much, I wanted to post it up, but then I decided to redo my whole blog again :) Anyhow~ Did you know that there is a saying that goes a little like this: "When people get tattoos, the tattoo that they get is a picture of what it is they want to be reincarnated as." After hearing that, I started thinking, if I were to get a tattoo with that thought in mind, what would it be? I chose something like this: (Hope you enjoyed my pictures :P)

Long time coming...

(In case you can't read the writing on the picture: "Lost life worth living, Held in the arms of pure white feathers, Lost in the light of your smile, Holding onto your retreating figure, Died in the blood of pain and anguish, If only you were there to save me...")

So many days, so much time, too many things, all this stuff, painful heart, heavy sadness, missing someone, losing everything, gaining nothing, having no one, having those that are far away, wondering how long, wondering why I have to wait; so many things have happened and not enough time was available to recover from it. But ya know what? Even if I feel like if people are around I am still so very alone, even if I have noticed that my own mental sanctuary has become small and insignificant, even if my best friend has left for good, even if I am afraid of the future, even if I wish I would just be able to end everything, and even if I feel as though if I wait long enough, someone will take all this pain away and the time I have to wait feels never-ending, there is not a thing I can do about it. The year is coming to an end, my days of freedom are getting smaller and smaller, and all the people around me seem to get farther and farther away. I have noticed that when everything started to change, I unconsciously started building a wall; a thick, huge, tall, and cold wall around me. Its finally been completed as the school years ends and now I have seen through a small crack in that wall that was put up between me and the outside world. I am trapped within myself by my own self-consciousness and it is killing me. I have become a spectator in my own life. I don't feel like I am living, I feel like I am watching the events of life play out in front of me as a show. I feel as though if something becomes too painful, all I have to do is run away from it and it will disappear since I am just watching a show and not living it in real life. I have created a world within myself where I am unable to determine reality from fantasy and the barrier between the two has only gotten smaller. I am afraid to one day notice that my life has become nothing more than just a forgotten memory that can be easily altered and created by my own fantasies. I have poor memory, but for the things I can't remember, I always think that maybe this or that happened, and the longer I think that, those thoughts then become my new memory in place of the one I had forgotten. That has happened so much that now I can't even trust my own memory. You have no idea what its like to have to wake up every day and not be able to tell if a dream is real or not or when talking to friends and bringing up a topic of the past that you believed to be true and being told that nothing of the sort has ever happened by multiple people with the same story. Realizing that what you believed to be true all along was just a lie fabricated by your own mind and then laughing it off like some fool just so they don't laugh at you. I am afraid to think, I am afraid to remember. No one will ever understand that. My memory can't be trusted and its my own fault. I fear that every memory I have ever had was just a lie. All the friends I thought I had, the break up of my parents, being left alone all that time, missing my mom and standing at the window with a mountain off tissues waiting for her to come home as a child, my fears, my pain, my life; was it all just a lie? Was every bit of my past just a lie? Are the people standing just beyond that huge, cold wall a lie too? Why can't anyone reassure my memories? Why can't I have someone to testify that at least one of my memories is true? Why does everything remind me of how alone I am... and why do I have to suffer when there are people all around me...?

When life gives you lemons...

What? When did life give me lemons? You crazy! I just love lemons! If life gave me lemons, I sure do need to find them... O.O! Plus! Without lemons, Life would just be so much less yellow... like eggs! XD Anyhow~ I wuvz my kitty~ :D Okii, to tell you the truth, I have nothing to post at all really, I just got tired of seeing my depressing post up whenever I come to visit my blog so I decided to change it up a bit and make it all happy again! See my background? I made it in Photoshop!!! It rocks right?! Yay!!! Enjoy~

Too much...

I'm breaking under the pressure, or at least it seems like it. I don't know how much more of this constant stress I can handle. This week especially was horribly heavy on my mind and body. First, it was spring break so I knew I had a whole week off from school. However, that weekend was taken up by a visit from my dad. I mean yeah, I was sort of happy to see him, but at the same time, I haven't seen him in a long while and I knew things were going to be very awkward between us, so I wasn't looking forward to spending a precious break from worries with him. Plus, he wasn't too helpful with that; he kept trying to buy me things, regardless of the price. I mean sure, a trinket here or there is nice as a present, but when someone you practically barely know tries to buy you a $400 glass dragon that would just sit and collect dust anyways (and constantly insists on buying it even after we leave the store), the first thing that comes to mind is, "He's trying to buy me and I hate it." The next day wasn't much better though... but at least I was with my brother and sister-in-law that time. Then, the weekdays came. If you are thinking that I would have an entire week to relax, then you are completely wrong. The entire week I was at intense training to become a lifeguard from 10am-6pm from Monday to Friday. With my insecurities on pretty much everything and breaking down to the point where all I tend to say is, "Sorry, I suck at this, I can't do it... sorry." Even I got annoyed with myself, but that didn't help, then I just started hating myself... wow, endless cycle much? Either way, I just finished the final test day for training and holy crap I over reacted to everything, flipped out, hated myself for over reacting, flipped out, shook with nervousness, flipped out, hated myself for flipping out, flipped out, and finally said, "Why the hell am I even here?! Just kill me already!!!" God, I've had enough of this! Just give me a break already! Damn it damn it damn it damn it! I can't stand not even being able to support myself anymore! I'm breaking down and my body can't even keep up with it. If this continued I feel like I might as well just kill myself because at least then I'd be able to sleep! Fuck this! Fuck my life! Fuck every little thing that keeps getting in the way of my time to breathe! I'm suffocating from this pressure, and no one even notices! I hate this, hate it hate it hate it!!! No amount of venting will change it either! I hate this! Damn it.... And the worst part is, I've already given up on trying to resist a long, long, long time ago. I don't have the strength anymore; I'm just laying there and taking the beating because I've lost all hope of ever regaining my footing or even breathing. It's not fair, why does it have to be this painful, why do I have to put up with it, when will the pain stop, would it just be better to die now? I've had enough of a life that kills me with every step I take. I'm at my limit; please just end this suffering, someone please just make it all stop.... I'm tired... I don't want to think anymore, so someone just stop all the thoughts, all the pain, all of everything.... Life isn't worth protecting if you don't even have the strength left to live it.... I'm not ready for this life's changes yet... a new baby, getting a job, finishing high school, being a lifeguard, loosing contact with my brother, missing my sleep, hating my mom all over again, losing the little hold I have left on myself, getting older.... I'm not ready for this.... I want it all to stop, just for a moment if possible, so please... just end this....

And so...

It has all ended hasn't it. She's gone and there is not a single thing I can do about it. I felt like I owed her so much, so I gave her my everything, my all the time, my heart, and my friendship. Then, she found that she needed my existence no longer. I was nothing to her. She apologized, like everything would go back to the way it was and she would continue using me. I was just a tool for her when she transferred 6 years ago. I was the only one who was without a group. I was an outcast. She used that to her advantage and, even though being beside me would cause her trouble, she stayed for the time she needed me. I thought that she was a really good friend for staying beside me... I was wrong... and I wish I wasn't. I don't regret meeting her, she was my best friend... and in my heart, she will always be the one who stood by me in my time of pain and loneliness. I wanted her to be happy, so I thought that as long as she was happy, I wouldn't mind what she did. After all, she was the one who showed me what happiness was; she was my light in the darkness. Then, that light left, and I am glad I have grown able to stand up on my own. I wanted her happy, but she abandoned me, and I will never forget the way she looked at me when she left me for good. You chose him over me, and threw me away with the coldest of stares. I am weak to pain, and you hit me in my most painful area. You hurt me more than you will ever know; you don't deserve forgiveness, but I am unable to hate you. I am disappointed in you, and I will never see you again. Justine, this is my last goodbye to you... I only wish that this could have lasted longer.... I will always miss you, the way you made me laugh at anything, your smiles hidden behind your expressions, your kindness always making me feel better. I loved everything about you; my dear, precious friend, I will always remember you. When you fall, I won't be there to pick you up again. I just hope that he will be able to make up for what you will never gain back from me. I miss you; it was fun while it lasted - goodbye and farewell, I won't see you again....

I... am... having... fun...!

This is so much fun! I love playing with the BG and playlist on my blog. Some people today started saying how blogspot is such a horrible place to blog since you can't invite people to chat with or "poke" people like in Facebook and Twitter... but I just think that's stupid. Why would I want to "poke" someone when the only reason I have blog is to help me vent stuffs to the people I trust the most like my Daddy and my Grandparents. I love blogging and to be completely truthful, since I started blogging, everything just seems to be brighter somehow. I really don't know why that is though. Although, I'm not sure if its from the blogging or if its because my memory is starting to fail me so much that, when I try to think back on the past to compare it to now, all I can see is a fuzzy kind of darkness. Its hard to explain, but have you ever walked into a room and completely forgotten why you went into that room in the first place? Then later you remember and can't understand why you forgot in the first place? Well, my memory is just like that, however, I don't remember what I had forgotten later. I just feel like I can't understand why I forget things, but when I do, since I never remember no matter how hard I try, I've gotten used to long parts of my past being completely absent from my mind. I really wish it wasn't like this, but what can I do right? Anyways! Blogging can help me with this too. As long as I am able to blog parts of my life, the rest just seems to flow with it. It makes me happy to know that my past is there for me to remember it. Maybe that's why its so much brighter? Not sure. Blogging is like my journal or diary, and I will use it for as long as I feel it is necessary to me. In the mean time, please enjoy some of my favorite songs! :D

He was gone... Or was he...?

Oh my gosh! Daddy disappeared! Or at least I thought so... turns out it was just a technical problem with not knowing phone numbers, emails, and misplaced mail. Well, I'm just glad that's over with! Anyhow, I don't really have much else to talk about, but here's some fun pictures :D

Hey, take a look...

Earth Hour, have you heard of this before? Its so amazing! I had no idea that this movement even existed. I was so moved, and now, I really want to do it too. March 26th, from 8:30-9:30, all the lights go off. For just one hour, hundreds of millions of people from over 120 countries and towns around the world come together. We can make a difference, I mean, this movement even got France to turn off the lights on the Eiffel Tower for a full hour! Isn't it amazing? I love this planet, why not just give back a little to what we all love and turn to for shelter? Its our only planet, and if we destroy it, what will we turn to? Who will we turn to? We are alone in this, so if we come together, we can save each other. Check this place out, along with the youtube video they made.

http://www.earthhour.org/Homepage.aspx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Mxjbip6y04&feature=channel_video_title

Ha..Hahaha...haah...

Ok, so, heheh, um, bwahahahaha.... *dies of laughter*....... Alright so um, this is what happened, I was talking to one of my friends and I said, after hanging out with her for the longest time, "Today was fun." Just a usual greeting, but then she said "I'm confused." while looking off in the distance with a blank stare. So I asked, "You don't look confused." and she said, "Yeah, I know. I'm confused that I'm not confused." And her face when she said that just made me die. Then I found a picture of her face, pretty much at least, and this is what I found.... bwahahahaha.... her quote is with yaoi..... ahahah.... heheheh.... Good thing she's a fellow yaoi-lover, otherwise, she would have killed me..... eheh.... heeeh.... O.O

Omg, omg, omg...

So embarrassing!!!! I have never felt like this before! I really, really want to be touched! Its soooooo embarrassing! I love how it feels to be weak and vulnerable! (I wonder if I'm a masochist?) I really want to swoon in the arms of someone I love! I feel so embarrassed! I want to love so badly! I want to know what it feels like to fall so far in love, I really, really want to know! I want to be touched, to be loved, to be with the one I love! I want it all! (Yes! Yaoi pics! Finally I don't have to hide them! :3)

This is gonna be short...

Oh My Goshle!!! XD Hibari Kyoya x Dino... You know we fangirls love you and you ride it to no end! WE LOVE YOU!!! *insert fangirl hyper scream here* Ok I know this might be a bit of a shocker to some people I know, but yep! This is what I'm into! Guy x Guy, Yaoi, Boys Love, BL, Lovely young boys who love each other~ You name it! I just think its really cute and if you have anything to say about it you can bite your tongue! I like this kind of stuff and I am very proud of it! So yeah, if you still don't understand what I'm talking about, look it up, any one of the things I mentioned above can be typed in and if you add 'anime' to the end before you search it in google, you will know exactly what I'm talking about! :3 Good luck~ And Yippee For Yaoi!!! XD

To unalivegirl...

Hi unalivegirl! You are so lucky to be able to know what it feels like to love someone! I wish I could know what that feels like. However, I do know how it feels to want to cry when you see your best friend talk about something that hurts you (even if they don't know it). I think that if we met in person, we would get along great; two people with troubles that wish they could speak them out to the people those words were meant for but are unable to. (I tried going onto your blog page but I couldn't understand the language it was in, sorry! >o<) Also, I know its hard, I know that no matter how much you practice the words in your head, no matter how much you try to say them, that they won't come out the way you want them to, but no matter what, a best friend and a love are something you can't just walk through life avoiding. Please, be brave! Try your hardest to tell your best friend that you love the same person, because if she finds out from someone else, there will just be even tougher times to go through. I will always be here to support you. No matter what happens, you have a friend in me. Do you best, and I promise you, that no matter what happens with your friend after you tell her, if she is a true friend, she will understand, but you need to take the first step. She won't know what you are thinking or feeling unless you tell her; that's the problem with humans, the only way we know how to understand and communicate is by words. Words are the beginning of an understanding, and even if those words aren't spoken but delivered by other means, then those words will have the same meaning. Trust me on this one, you will make it through this! Your flower of hope is blooming, now take a peek out from behind those closed eyes and watch the flower become even more beautiful.

It didn't take long...

Hi Daddy! ^^ It feels good to be able to say that to you again! Sooooo happy! :) Anyhow, "It can't be anyone but you. I always wondered why a million "Thank You"'s piled up and before I knew it, it was love. I realized I love you." When I read this in one of the manga that I constantly obsess about, I was filled with happiness. I still want to find that one person who will become my one and only... but until that happens, I will always smile (even if sometimes the smile is fake), and move forward! My dreams won't wait for that one person to find me, and neither will I (even if the time I'm in right now seems long and frustrating). I suck at voicing my feelings, and I'm glad that when I talked it out with my dad, it was through mail... I felt like it was easier to explain myself properly and say what needed to be said. That heavy weight on my chest has lessened and I feel a bit safer inside myself. However, the house I'm in right now hasn't changed... right now, I want to go quickly to my Daddy and hide away there with him and my grandparents who I owe everything to. I'm not easy to reach, but I always feel good to see that they have sent me something through e-mail. Recently, I found out that, whenever I wake up, I have a face filled with tears, my pillow is wet, and I'm sad throughout the morning... I don't know what I dreamed, but it probably has something to do with my mom. I think the reason I've had so many problems with my family is because I can't voice things... my pride, my fears, and my own self thoughts get in the way of speaking... plus, whenever I try to speak it out, and feel like I might be able to say everything, my voice is silenced by a parent who interrupts with yelling or verbal violence. She doesn't listen... never has, never will. I wish I had the strength to speak louder than her and force her to listen. I hate this, but then (meaning just now) I realize that I still have a world I can always escape to. Its my bed, that pillow and the fluffy warmth that puts me to sleep every night. Its warm, but not a normal warmth... maybe safety? or is it comfort? I'm not sure, but whatever it is, its something I've always wanted to feel. I'm just glad that I have at least one parent I can run to ^^ Its been a long time since I've known this feeling... I'm happy, and covered in bliss. I love this moment... I love it! *smilesmilesmilesmile* :3

Teheheheheheheheheheheheheeeee~........

.......Ok! Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!Guess what!...................Ok fine! I'll tell you~.............It's my Birfffffffday~ *woops bit my tongue~ meant Birthday~ XD* Anyways~ Since I'm sooooo hyper right now~ I went crazy with the pictures this time~ YIPPEEEEEEEE~!!!!!!! XD YAY!!! BIRTHDAY'S RUUUUUUULE!!!!!!! ........tehe~

With all there is... is there more...?

With all there is out there, there's got to be more! Least that's what I've been thinking lately... Ok, ok! Maybe I should tell you what I mean by that.... I'm obsessed with anime... anime, anime, anime! Always and forever! XD Anyhow, I've been so into it lately that I feel like, since I'm constantly watching and reading anime/manga, I'm going to run out of things to do... but then I think, there's got to be more right?! So then I go searching and searching... and find something! Yippee!!! Anyhow~ ok, new topic! XD Assassin's Creed! Yay! I just learned that Assassin's creed existed about 2 months ago... I know, fail right?....Anyways, I've been so psyched to get the first Assassin's Creed from my brother for my B-Day that I've been watching playthroughs on youtube.... which I just now realized is totally stupid since doing that will ruin my playing experience...... wow... anywho~ being a gamer/anime freak is just soooo~ annoying sometimes! XD Well... anyways~ I'm gonna go stare at my computer now so... byebyez!!! :3

To my dad...

He's trying to rebuild a connection long lost in the flow of time. The key to which is my cooperation, and I will not give it to him. Good luck... but time is of the essence, if he cannot succeed in taking back my trust with in the time it takes me to graduate, I will never forgive him, and I will never give him another chance. To someone who might think this is harsh, you have no idea how long 12 years is to a 4 year old, nor how lonely those 12 years can be without the comfort of a parent you can trust by your side. Truthfully, at this point, I could care less if he actually did succeed... maybe then, when I think about the past, I won't have to deal with a salty and wet face all the time. Time is running out... and the time frame for forgiveness is running short. I just hope that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes he did for 12 years.

It's like fear is a chain...

When you lose something, its true, just like they say, that you don't notice until its already gone. Luckily, I didn't wait that long to find out. My best friend had, unknowingly, put a wall up between us; she pushed me away and I watched as the wall was built in front of me, my vision of her becoming ever more like stone. I don't have the confidence to push that wall down, I'm too afraid I'll fall and make a fool of myself to even try. (The reason for this being my past, I was constantly ridiculed and made fun of, constantly fearing and being afraid of everything and anyone who surrounded me. I still am and at this point believe I always will be.) My other best friend, one who I owe a lot to at this point, pushed me towards that wall, forcing me to take a step forward into my own fears; she kept doing so until I finally found the instance of courage I needed to finally speak what I was thinking out loud to the person those words were meant for, something I have been wanting to do for a long time but was unable to. That friend who created that wall still hasn't gotten rid of it, but I can finally see her, I can finally see her face again after what seems like such a long time. Even if it is from afar, this feels much better than staring at a cold stone wall; even if I'm not on the other side with her, I can at least see her face again... for that... I am beyond glad.

Its strange really... knowing that there is something you need to say to someone but am unable to due to your own fears of what might happen. I'm the type of person who needs a kick in the butt to be able to do the smallest of things, or at least, what most people would consider to be small. I know this has nothing to do with the previous topic but, in a way, I'm waiting for someone I can call dear to me. That person I had dreamed of for so long, the only person I want around me when I cry; I want that person to be able to notice what is wrong without asking me and be able to kick me into the right direction. I need guidance from someone who will always be there for me; someone more than a friend, less than a guardian, and more than a best friend. I'm hopeless on my own, a true coward, and totally afraid of even the slightest things in this world. Do you know what its like to wake up from a nightmare, your face covered in tears from a dream you remember vividly, and be too afraid to even breathe or move? In that situation, all I want is for someone to hold me close, to tell me its alright, that they will protect me - words I've always wanted to hear from somebody, not just a lover, but anyone. I have never heard those words before, nor have I ever been comforted the way I need to be, or even at all by a parent. I need safety, something parents are supposed to provide, but something I have been deprived of. I am screaming out for someone to whisper those words to me, but no one seems to hear those crys. I remember when my mom used to come in whenever I cried and pressure me into telling her what was wrong, something I loved very much since I liked to tell her what was wrong but never found out how to unless I was forced to (I'm kind of a masochist aren't I? ^^;;). However, one day she suddenly stopped doing that. When I asked her why, she would say because I was old enough to take care of myself... she told this to a 6 year old girl who barely ever saw her mom since her parents divorced and who cherished the little time she had with her mom. After that day, I never relied on her for anything... now, all of a sudden, she's trying to pressure me into talking to her and is getting mad when I don't... she doesn't get it, and I don't have to courage to face her anymore. Yet again, more words that I am unable to voice because of fears. I hate my fears and they hold me back... I'm just glad I'm at least able to voice myself through writing, even if my words seem like a riddle when I read them over again. Its the way my mind speaks, in riddles, riddles that I want the reader to figure out on their own.

Ugh... <:(

You ever had the flu? I sure haven't... least, I wish I could still say that. I hate the flu! I'm still sick, but yesterday was the first (and utterly the worst) day of it. I kept thinking, "Just kill me now, why don't you!" Never want to get the flu again!!! That was the worst I have ever felt. Oh man... definitely would have rather had the cold, that's for sure! At times like that, in that much pain, you just want to die *sigh*... I'm sure glad that's over......... *runs to get pie, topples over from dizziness, then stumbles back to bed and munches on pie* Nomnomnomnomnom.....mmmmmm...... piiiiiie~ -3-