It's just occurred to me that after the end of my last relationship, after trying to love someone, giving them everything I had held back from all my other relationships, only to find out I was the only one truly looking at our relationship as a whole, I have become more damaged than I realized. I found that I was looking for something that didn't exist in someone I had no true attraction to other than that of a friend, and you know what, when I broke up with him I told him it was up to him whether or not we would still be friends. Since I knew he cared for me - though he didn't show his emotions, express interest in our relationship, or even do things because he wanted to but because I had asked him to - I knew he cared for me in his head, but I also knew that the amount he cared was not love, despite his incessant words of love that were empty and void of feeling.I knew because I looked, I saw, and I told him. I told him what love was supposed to look like, that when I was sick he should have come over because he wanted to see me, not because I told him to, that he should have sex with me because he wanted to be closer to me, know more about me, and make me feel good, not because he liked feeling good or because I asked for it.
Now that I think about it, the first time was strange for me; I had to outwardly say "I want to have sex with you" for him to do anything. He didn't follow emotion... not once did he follow emotions. It was like he was a slave, doing everything I told him, no matter what... I'm not that type of person. He made me into something I hated. I already know that I am a rather spontaneous person who does things in the heat of the moment, but I needed someone to filter my actions, to stop me, not to stand behind me and follow me. I'm not a leader... I don't want to be a leader... I feel insecure and scared as a leader... I told him that too. I told him everything that worried me about our relationship long before the break up... but he never did anything.
No, I'm not saying he didn't change for me, I'm saying he didn't talk about anything with me. In relationships you should want to talk things out, especially when your partner tells you something they feel uncomfortable about. He never talked about our sex life; when I would say to look some things up, to try to become more familiar with my body during our time together, to actually try to get to know what feels good for me, because that was exactly what I was doing for him. I gave him oral because I wanted to please him, I had sex with him because I wanted to be closer to him... but now those memories....
I can remember the feeling of his penis in my mouth right before he came, the weird vein-like movement of the semen up the shaft of his penis that ran across my lower lip... it grossed me out, the way he looked naked grossed me out, the moment I realized he has never once washed his body grossed me out, the fact that he smelled disgusting down there grossed me out, and I was grossed out at the thought of him being inside me after knowing all that... I don't like these memories. They make me feel so blind, like I should have noticed these things from the beginning, like I should have asked about them from the beginning. I've lived my life trying my best not to regret anything... but I truly think I regret having this relationship with him because of my sexual actions with him. I did so many things for him, put so much into the relationship as a whole... and got nothing but regret back. I told him it was his choice to be friends again... but ever since I broke up with him, he's never once held a conversation longer than "hi" with me, and I was the one who said it, not him.
A part of me hates him for that. He took things I can never get back, gave me memories I've relentlessly tried to forget but have too many memories to count, and yet he can't even say "hi" to me. I hate him for that, I really do. I spent 3 months with him, 3 months of my life that I will never get back... right now they matter, right now the wound is fresh and will not heal since I see practically every day. Seeing him reopens my wounds and all the memories flood back to haunt me.
Right now, my wounds won't heal... but I know that they will one day. I know that I'll meet that guy who can make me remember new sexual encounters, pleasant sexual encounters. He will mark over my memories of that relationship; like a video-tape being recorded over, loosing past data forever. I want that, I want it so badly... I wonder when that will happen? How long do I have to wait this time for someone to be with me? I waited 18 years last time... maybe I'll be able to find him sooner. My "Tristan" is still out there... one day I'll find him and he'll show me a love I've never known, a love that I need, want, and cherish. A prospective possibility of love that has yet to come... a wait that seems endless in the present and instantaneous in the future... but how long is the "instant" this time, I wonder?
