Oh, how my world has changed. Can you believe it has been over a year since I last wrote on here? Do you remember when I was here for the first time? Do you remember who I was back then? Do you remember that pain and sadness that I felt? Today, I come back here to mark the changes, the difference between who I was then, who I was just a year ago, and who I am today. To mark the largest moments that have all somehow come together to make my life what it is now. So listen, understand, and realize that yes, my world has changed and only for the better.It all started with a delusion... from when I was in 5th grade until the beginning of 9th grade (almost 5 full years), I was lost in a world of angel, demons, forbidden love, sacrifice, and ultimately death. I remember vividly the day it all started and I remember even more so the day it all ended. Almost like waking up from a dream, it was like all of a sudden, I was alive and I didn't know what to do with this new life. I had lived the last couple years waiting for death, just waiting, but all of a sudden, I had my whole life ahead of me. What do you do with this new-found realization as a 15-year-old? I was lost again, but a new kind of lost. I was lost in the endlessness that is the future and honestly, it would have been so much easier, so much less scary to just go back to the delusion. But something inside me told me to keep living, but not for myself, for the future me, for the me tomorrow, for the me now, and for the me that lives 10 years from now. Every day, I would wake up and face the tribulations of life, but then I would say, I am not here for me, I am here for "her," for the me that is not yet me. I found strength in that for a long time, and even now, every once in a while, when things get just a bit too hard, I find strength in the future, in the possibilities that lie there.
Then one day, a classmate told me a bout blogging. You can only guess what resulted. So in the first months of 10th grade, I found a space where no one would see what I write, where no one would be able to judge me, and especially where no one would be able to notice me. You have to understand, all I wanted to do was hide who I was in high school. I was a shell of myself. I "fit in" long enough to get by, and that was about it. That's all that mattered. Hold the pieces together long enough for us to get out of this place. The pieces were my mind, my spirit, and my heart, and the place was school and childhood. I was done with it. I hated recess, hated group projects, and eventually figured out I hated everyone in the school as well, including myself. I didn't like who I was. I was nothing special. I was a liar and more than anything, I wasn't myself. I was a ghost just getting by. So the moment I left I made sure to shed that person and find myself. Everyone says that's what college is about, after all. Within the first month of college, I found me and I couldn't love that person more than I do every single day. She is honest, raw, and open to everyone. She trusts blindly, she is vulnerable, but strong and courageous even when it scares her to be so. She is beautiful and happy because of simple things. More than anything, she is me and I am very happy to have her in my life. She is my best friend and she stands by my side when no one else will. Finding myself was something I could never have done without my blog. Without that outlet, I know I would have given up on the future long ago and i never would have met the me of today.
Now you have to understand, there are a lot of things that happened in my college years that shaped me far more than just this. The first and probably the most painful is realizing that when my grandmother died, I lost the one person that truly understood me. She pushed me to be better than the me from yesterday. She taught me how to forgive and I have my father in my life today because of that. She taught me patience, and without that I wouldn't be the only one in my family that can stomach being around my mother when she could not be more annoying, irritable, judgmental, and prejudiced. She gave me a family life that I can fall back on, a mother that I can bond with, and a father that I love and had lost so many years ago. I miss her everyday of my life. I collect puzzles now because of her. I'll turn into a puzzle hoarder before you know it.The other thing that happened was a strange blessing. My best friend moved away (as my luck would have it, all of my friends either move or leave eventually so I shouldn't be surprised). Her leaving was hard. I felt alone, sad, and even more lonely than I had been in years. So, in my desperation I go and get a virtual boyfriend. Sounds silly right? I just wanted someone to talk to, but I realized that it wasn't the same. I wanted something real, so I gave online dating one last try. Within just a few days, someone interested spoke to me. We talked, maybe for a week online, then through text. Eventually, by some strange desire, I decided I would go and meet him. Don't get me wrong, this sounds strange even to me, but the moment I saw him walking all awkwardly toward me from across the street, I knew there was just something about him... I can't put my finger on it, but looking back, maybe I just knew? He is the reason I haven't written on here in over a year. He is my medicine, my happiness, and my life. I couldn't imagine being without him now.
I've come to the realization that I suffer from something called PMDD, which just generally means that I have a form of depression that coincides with my menstrual cycle. Therapy isn't something that would help, and in fact, medication is the only way to ease symptoms. I have yet to get this medicine, and in fact, it took me a long time to even consider medication. Chad changed a lot of things for me. He was there through some of my worst symptoms, he helped me as much as he could, and it hurt him to be with me because my depression sparked his depression. But even so, he was still there for me. On one of my worst nights, he even drove the 25 mile distance to pick me up and take me to his place so I wouldn't have to suffer alone. He has been so supportive and strong that I don't know what I would do without him.
He is also one of the reasons I have the job I have now. If I hadn't have met him, I would have never looked for work as far out as I did, and I ended up finding a wonderful job as a swim instructor. I get to teach, swim, and be around children as much as I want and I couldn't be happier right now. I am still pursuing my dream of becoming a successful Graphic Designer, but for right now, this is where i need to be, where I want to be, and where I should be. Things are good and things are hard, but they are all worth it.I've recently gone on an internship abroad. These have been the most lonely and difficult two months to spend away from everyone I love and everything I know. I've fought hard to be able to get here, but good lord all I want to do is go home. I have two more weeks to go, and they seem to be taking forever to pass, but I know that everything will have been worth it once it is all over and done with. This opportunity has brought me one step closer to my dream, and though it has been more hard and painful than anything I have ever done in my life, I've had Chad on my side the entire time. I'm lucky to have him and I'm lucky to be where I am today.
So yes, my life has changed, the world has changed, and though a lot of it has been exceedingly difficult, it has made me into a person I love and has brought me closer to the love of my life, all the while reaching toward a dream career. I've lived my life without regrets until now, and I plan to continue doing so. I'll probably come back here one day, but for now, I thank this blog for allowing me to move forward and give me the space to be me when no one else would accept me.
