It has been a hell of a long time since I've been on here, a hell of a long time since I've left a piece of me here to be read a and seen by all who happen to stop by, but there was something that happened to me, something amazing and almost magical.Let me go back a bit...
Since my last post, since the pain of loneliness last dug its nails into my skin, into my heart, I had been so down, so lost, and so scared a the future, that I ventured into online dating. Don't get me wrong, I had tried it many times before, had gone on many times before, and each time, I've scrapped it all because it was too scary to meet someone that way. But for some reason, for some unknown and completely amazing reason, I went back there that night, made an account on OkCupid, and within a few days I was found by someone amazing. I mean, just two or so days had gone by, a lot of guys contacted me, but for some reason, when this guy contacted me, there was something different about him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but my I have always trusted my instincts and they were telling me to give him a chance. Just a week or so later, after having texted him non-stop since we first chatted online, we met.
I remember the way I first say him, he was just across the street coming toward me, fast-walking as his face tracked where I stood waiting for him. I remember thinking, "He's so cute." When I think about it now, I giggle, because even now, he's still so cute. But that was it, and in the moment that he hugged me, awkward as it was, I didn't feel scared. I mean, of course I felt reserved because I barely knew the guy, and he was moving so fast, I mean, he kissed me right away too. But then I suggested we sit down to have a drink, as we talked, at first about nothing, but then I started to explain how the pace he was moving at made me uncomfortable, and he listened. He listened. He listened. It was like a light went off, or a spark was lit. It was like, after all these years of pouring out my heart to this blog, feeling like I had no one to talk to, I finally found someone who would listen. As that day went on, we just talked a lot, I tripped a lot too, because I was both nervous and just a klutz in general, but it was nice. We even sat down at a bar for a bit, had a drink and chatted too. It was nice, not scary or rushed, just calm and peaceful and easy. After that, we parted ways, and we saw each other as much as we could over the next few weeks, busy as we both were and living so far from each other made it difficult, and I constantly missed him (still do now), but we made it work.
As time went on, I started to realize that he might very well be my "Tristan," the figure and idea in my head that manifests in the form of someone I love and will eventually marry. Being around him, I notice the quirks he has, and the sentiments he gives, they all resemble what I've always asked for. Just everything about him, it's like I've walked into a dream and suddenly my dream guy is standing by my side, making me smile, laugh, feel pretty, and feel supported. I feel like he's the one I could give my life to, the one I could move in with and be together with until the day I die. I miss him all the time, I love him with all my heart, and I finally feel like the whole, the emptiness I've felt all this time has finally been filled. He makes me happy, so very happy.
Which is why I am so afraid of losing him. Whether it be to illness, sudden death, or just because we had an argument, I constantly fear that he will leave. I'm the type to never leave, to stay loyal, but I'm also not the type to chase. If he were to ever want to leave, I would be unable to stop him. I love him so much that if he ever desired to leave me, I would let him go with the hope that maybe he'll be happier somewhere else, with someone else. He's my everything, he's my whole world. He's the one I want to spend my life with, and come 2 or 3 years down the line, if he is still by my side and has yet to propose, I am getting down on one knee and making him mine forever. He's so perfect, even his flaws are perfect. Ever his messiness is perfect. I love everything about him and even though it's only been 3 or so months since the day that I first met him, it feels like I've known him for my entire life.
All this time I've lived in this house, all the times I've stayed somewhere else, no matter the country or the place, I've always felt like I wanted to go home, to my real home. Being with him, I have finally found my home. He is my living dream and the home I've always wanted.
I love you, Chad. I always will. You've made me whole and you own my heart. Please keep it with you forever as I hope to keep yours.
