Hello again, and from an empty heart, here I go again. I've been feeling extremely lonely recently. I don't think there's one simple reason why, I think it is instead a few different reasons. My best friend is far away, I desire affection that I can't have, I'm afraid to be alone for so long, I hate feeling empty like I do now, I want physical contact but don't want to hurt myself because of that desire. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to change these feelings.I miss Ashlie, I miss her to the point that I've turned pictures of her over so I don't have to cry every time I see her face. I miss her, I want to be with her, I want her near me so that she can console me. I miss my best and only true friend. I don't want any other friends. No one could replace her, not a single being in the world. Not even Tristan, but then again, she couldn't replace Tristan either. They are two separate entities, two separate loves in my life. One essential to living, the other essential to breathing. Similar, but different none the less.
I dream of him, my Tristan, my lover that exists in time and space, but is unattainable at this point in my life. I love him, I've never met him, but I love him as though my life depended upon it, and sometime I think it does. I feel like the moment I stop loving him, the moment I stop keeping an eye out for him, is the same moment I stop breathing. I had a dream not too many days ago. He was here on campus, he found me, he knew me just as I know him. He tested me, trying to make sure I was really the one he saw in his dreams, and when he found out I was, he said this: "Now that I have you in my grasp, now that I know you exist and where you are, I am never letting you go again. You are mine for the rest of our lives."
I wish I could be with him, I wish he was here. I miss him. I want to be with him. I miss him.
I feel so empty because of these desires, these feelings of longing that have nowhere to go. It's empty because there is no end to this cycle of desire and want and need. I want them here, I need their presence, I desire their voices in my ear, but no matter how much I feel this way, I can't do anything to make my desires come true. All I can do is sit back and wait for time to pass, for things to change, for my life to intertwine with theirs once more and for the first time. I miss them. I love them. I want to be near them. I miss them. I feel empty without them. I cry when I think about them. I miss them with every part of my being and every inch
of my heart aches for them.
