Slowly dying...

Recently I've felt an amazing loneliness that doesn't seem to fade. It's affecting my grades, it's affecting my reason to wake up, and finding motivation to do anything is growing harder by the day. I don't know what it is, I don't know why it is happening, and you know what? It's scaring me. It feels like my emotions are dying. As though they were slowly growing dimmer by the second, then fading into a blackness - the perpetual black abyss that never rests and always hungers for more. I feel empty, lonely, and so dark.... Why? I wonder why this is happening... I wish I had a reason. Reasons for things that happen somehow make me feel better, it helps me "understand," rather than just "knowing" something is wrong. I want my emotions back.

I get the feeling that my lack of emotions has something to do with my process of healing. I file away the bad memories and as all memories go, they are not connected to themselves alone. When you take away the bad memories, you have no choice but to take away the good memories that are attached to them. It's unavoidable, yet I still do it. I lose memories this way. The good go along with the bad. As a result my memories fade and disappear... just like my emotions. It happens every time I do this. Just like the last time I did this, back when I tried to forget my years of turmoil, of fantasy and pain. The emotions I had during those times, fading long with the memories, never came back. I had to slowly gain new emotions, rekindle a broken flame. Will I have to do that this time as well? Probably... no, there's no doubt that I will. It's the price I pay, the contract I signed, and the deal that I accepted form the darkness itself. If I wish to forget, I must choose from the bad and indiscriminately lose the good. It's how the universe works: To gain something, one must pay an equal and fair price in return.

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost." - It's called equivalent exchange, and I know it's law to be truth. There's no running from it and there's no evading it.

I just need to gain those emotions back the hard way... that's all.

A hopeful time...

Have you ever heard of Omamori charms? In Japan, these small cloth bags, colored intricately and tied off with a specific knot, are something that holds great power. As far as my knowledge of the Japanese language goes, the word roughly translates to "protecting" or "protection." However, these charms do more than just protect their owners, they grant fortune as well. Good or bad, each fortune is unique. These Omamori are special because they allow the owner to place a written fortune of their own, and after writing something on small pieces of paper, they are placed inside the bags and sealed. In Japan, whatever is written on that paper is something that will come true. You don't tell anyone what you wrote, but it's fine to say what "type" of charm it is. For instance, writing "pass a test" would be considered a "good luck" or "academic" charm.

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I have an Omamori. Inside I wrote something special, something precious. Something that brings me hope. I haven't had hope in a long while. Do you know the reason? My dad, my grandma, and a lot of things to do with very good friends. But it's still there, somewhere deep in my heart, and it has manifested itself in the form of the Omamori paper. I won't tell you what's written on it, or the magic will break and shatter, but I will tell you it's type. It is called a love charm. A charm that brings love to your future.

My hope lives, once more, it lives. I have such a big smile on right now, I wish I could express this gentle happiness to you all, as it fills my heart once more. Oh, it feels so amazing, it truly does. Hope. It's such a strong feeling, and it is so very warm and comforting. It feels like I've been wrapped in a large warmth, something big and strong, but also calm and assuring. It's called hope, and it's finally within my hands' grasp once again.