Do you know why I stay up so late?
Do you know why I stay awake until the beginnings of light start to trickle over the horizon and the night's darkness begins to fade? Do you know why I stay awake when all of you have fallen so far into sleep that the world is as good as dead to you? Do you know why I am still awake when the house is quiet and still? Why I find peace in the absence of light, in the comfort of dark? Why even though I fear the night's silence I still prefer it over your presence?
Do you know why being around you feels like I am being confined in a small box, while a noise unlike any other suffocates me whenever I hear you move or speak? Do you know why I hide in the darkness of the late night just to find relief and release from being near you? Do you know why I wait every day for midnight to come because I know you won't wake up? Do you know why I use the drastic difference in sleep schedules between us as an excuse to avoid you?
Do you know why I hate being around you?
Of course you don't. You've never asked. You never will.
The simple question of "Why?" The simple thought behind my actions and my reasoning.
Those are the things you will never know. Those are the things you won't care to know. Those questions and thoughts that I know you will never have, but have wished so badly for you to ask only to be disappointed.
That is the reason I hate you. That is the reason I will never love you. That is the reason.
That is the reason why I am immersed in loneliness every day. That is why I clutch desperately at the pillow against my chest until my fingertips burn with pain. That is what you have driven me to.
That is why my chest aches when I try to think of my "Tristan." That is the reason behind why I can barely stand the empty feeling of loving someone I've never met, someone I've never seen, never heard, never known.
I may love him, but I know "Tristan" doesn't exist. I love him, but he won't ever be real. I love him, and I will wait for the man who will become my "Tristan." I will wait for my eternal lover to finally surface from the sea of people in the world. I will always wait for him, because I love him.
Because I love him, I'll wait forever for him. Forever. No matter what. Because I love him....
