Living a life of lies and this is all I have to show for it:
"I don't have the strength nor the desire to talk to any of you, so I shall ignore all of you. It's so much easier that way since I don't get as sad, angry, or afraid if all I can feel is loneliness from the absence of a love I never knew." This is the mindset I go into whenever I return home, have vacations from school, or am near family members. Makes me think what exactly made the collapse of my family happen and why not one person in this household seems to notice that their futile attempts to fake a loving family only makes the situation worse. When you haven't got anyone to talk to but yourself, all you have left is an endless cycle of pain. Knowing that the only one you'll ever be able to explain everything to is yourself, listening to the pain in your own voice as you realize you can't change a damn thing, and forcing yourself to admit that no matter what you do, the only true freedom from the never ending pain is death; every moment I allow myself to break down is just one step closer to that freedom and more than anything else, it truly scares me. Inside I know that if I constantly wear a mask of smiles I can easily deceive both the people around me and myself, but at the same time I know that doing so means forsaking the little sanity I've been able to retain after all these years of suffering. If it weren't for the belief that if I were to give in to that promise of freedom those oblivious bastards would win; if it weren't for the pride I tightly hold onto, I would have died that night long ago when I picked up a knife and pressed it to my skin.One of these days, the constant battle between pride and true freedom will end, and when it does I fear I will not live to see it's aftermath.
People go through many different problems, but only the psychological ones such as fear, anger, sadness, or loneliness can leave behind scars deeper than any physical wound could inflict. Unless you've felt that true form of suffering you can never hope to understand another person's pain, but even then the depths of each person's scars can never be fully realized unless you are that person yourself. The next time you think of saying "I understand what you are going through," make sure you know that no matter what you yourself have been through, you can never truly understand what someone else has witnessed, felt, endured, or lived along side. The demons in someone's heart and mind are very different from person to person and regardless of whether a situation is identical or not, the way a person reacts to or reflects on it depends on their own thoughts, personality, and if they are able to become strong enough to live through it on their own. Every human being is alone until they find someone they believe with whom they can share the weight of their suffering, but until that person comes around, the solitary inner battle must be fought with their strength alone.
It's a lonely battle, but if we push through it long enough, even if it takes countless decades, one day our solitary battle will be fought with someone's back pressed against ours. That is the day I live for. That is the day for which I put back that knife, that shortcut to my freedom, in order to wait for it's arrival.
