Hey, it's been a really (and I mean REALLY) long time since I last wrote on my blog. Remember when I said that my blog existed as a place for me to vent? Well, it has served for that purpose very well, and I believe that because of it, I was able to live the way I needed to, without getting lost in the depths of my own dark thoughts, in order to follow the path to the future I yearn for. I remember when I wrote about my dad or my best friend (even now it hurts to think about them) and I cried as I wrote and the tears fell silently and made it hard to see as I typed. I remember the pain as I wrote on this blog and now that pain remains hidden in the words wrapped within this blog. Those words stay there and hide until I find them and read them over again. I relive that pain as I read them and I never want to forget it. Its the pain that made me who I am, who I want to be, and who I remain as while I grow. I know that when people grow the hardships they experience can change them and that truth has been thrown at me since I was 4 years old. I don't mind changing, but there is one thing I never want to forget. I don't want to be like my parents and completely ignore my children's worries and pains like my parents did to mine. They brushed it off as teenage angst or childish behavior. They never stopped to question why I might act a certain way. Everyone has a reason behind their actions, whether they say it outright or hide it inside like I do. I know that whatever that reason is, it is never childish because it is the reason that they have changed and it is the reason they have become who they are.What I'm trying to say is that, when I have children of my own, I want them to know that they can tell me anything (and unlike my parents who say that and then make it so I can't trust them by lying straight to my face, I'm not like all those people who say that to their children while their children say "I know" and think "You're lying"). I don't want them to feel that I never knew what they were going through. What they experienced was not just a mystery to me or something that I have shrugged off into the past like most adults. I want to become the type of person who remembers the pain I felt as a teenager, the way it felt to be lied to 24/7 by the people society expected me to have the most trust in, my family. I hate my family, the people I live with, because of the way they act. They treat me like a burden without ever saying it out loud and by finding people they feel comfortable around, they have left me alone, scared, and sad. They bring me on trips and take me places with them and the only thing I can say truthfully from those experiences is that I have gained the ability to fade into the background. I hide in plain sight and that has been the only way for me to really protect myself from all the pain of being anywhere near them - to disappear has been my only escape.
I'm saying that I want my blog to be the reason why I never forget the most painful times. The times that have shaped who I am are written here and they are something I never want to forget throughout my life. I want to be able to show this place to those who have forgotten what it is like to be a teenager, or even teenagers themselves. I want the people who have forgotten to think that they once felt this way and remember those times. For the teenagers, I want them to know they aren't alone like I felt I was. That they can confide in me and know that I am someone who hasn't forgotten the way it feels to be hurt by those around you.
I remember a time in my life that if I tried to explain it now it would be tedious and you would think me insane, but it is the time in my life that has effected me the most and when I turn 18, the age that is most relevant to that time in my life, I want to get a tattoo on the underside of my right wrist of a pair of outspread wings no longer that 2in and no wider that 1in. I know my memory isn't very good, but if I am to forget everything on this blog, if I can remember that one moment in my life, everything else doesn't mater. That moment in my life is so important to me, I want to carve it into my skin so that I never forget it for as long as I live.
I know this splurge has been a bit strange, but it wasn't specifically written to be totally understood either. Anyways, I'm not sure I'll be writing much on my blog anymore. I'm going to be a senior next year, then spend a year off before going to college, and once I get to college, I doubt I will use it much. After all, the reason for all my pain is my family and once I move out for college, I'm hoping all the pain will disappear with them as they leave my life hopfully forever.
