It's been maybe a little over a year since I made this blog (maybe longer, not sure and too lazy to find out), but I never really specified what it is that my blog name actually meant. Well, here goes nothing:
First of all, the word "here" refers to the blog and the words that I write. The words "Without all of me here" literally mean that a part of me is "here" and the other part is on the other side of the computer, in other words, the one typing the blogs. When I made the name, I wanted to give it a sense of: "This is me, who I really am underneath all the fake smiles, the pitiable laughs, and the mask that I've created to shield myself from the rest of the world. I don't want to hide any longer; I want to prove to myself that the person I've created through these 17 years of my life is not all of who I am - that there is a part of me I've hidden from myself." This kind of feeling that I tried to convey through those cryptic words was something even I didn't understand as I wrote them. (Most of the weird phrases I write are like that - I try to find the meaning in my words long after I've written them, even if at the time, they were just words that needed to leave my mind through writing.) "Without all of me here" to me means that the me now and the me in the words on my blog are two different people. I know that the words I write tend to be very confusing sometimes, but as long as this place stays online, there's also the hope that in the future, when things have (hopefully) changed, I can look back at this place and realize that the me now was never an illusion, that the memories that I am cursed to forget are hidden in these words, a secret message only I will understand. I don't want to forget the pain I've gone through; these harsh emotions are what have made me the person I am so proud of. I want to make sure that anyone who reads this blog knows that no matter how much time passes, or what depressing things I might write on this blog, I will never resent myself, regret the life I've lived and the choices I've made, never let go of my little bit of hope I have left, and above all, I will never end my own life because of the emotions I convey through this blog or harbor within me.
This place is my haven; a place I use for release and it is something I hold dear to me. I will never forsake the words I've written here and I hope that maybe these words will tell someone else out there in this vast world, that they aren't the only one with fears and pain held deep within their hearts. This life that we have been granted is long, and the right to end it will never be our own - if we were to have that right, then the lives of the people around us would also have ended, and the life they would have lived with us in it would never be recognized. I won't tell all of the people that read this blog that life is something that is "precious and should be treasured" because the life they live may not be "precious" or "treasured" by them. They may hate their lives, or resent their own existence and I have no right to tell them not to. All I can do is say that, the life they live is not their own, that the life they live is the life of their future selves, and if they take away that life, then they are unfit to dream or hold hope in their hearts. The words "precious" and "treasured" mean that the life they live is something they have pride in, it is not, nor should it ever be, the opinion of someone from the sidelines who is unable to change their experiences or their fate. The words mean nothing if the person holding that life does not say it themselves and truly believe it.
When I first realized this truth, I was scared, frightened that I wouldn't be able to change what would happen, and my fears were right. I have no way to change the events that are carved in time even before I ever existed. However, I have the ability to change how I experience those events. For example, if I had suddenly seen someone get severely injured in front of me, that experience could shock me or even traumatize me. Or, I could see my chance to use the knowledge I have gained by taking a first-aid training class and help that person possible saving their life. You see, the event that I couldn't change was the fact that the person got severely injured right in front of me. However, the difference between the two is, in one time frame, I am unable to help them because I don't have the knowledge I would have gained by taking the training class because I didn't ever take it. In another, I took the class, and was able to help them. The part that I chose was taking the class or not taking the class - in other words, I chose how I would experience this unchangeable event that happened in my life. (Note: This has happened before, and instead of being traumatized, I am glad I was there to see the event and help out in any way I could.) I love the fact that I have the ability to do that. I call this "Fate and Destiny." I believe that a person's destiny is unchangeable (or the "event"that I spoke of above), but fate (the course of events that make up destiny - the "way someone experiences something" in the example above) is something only the one who lives that destiny is able to chose and make into reality.
-----In the end, I got a little (okay, maybe a lot) off topic, but my point is, now you know. If anything in my blog can change the way someone thinks, then my life won't be the only one saved by the words I write.
