It's been a while since I posted something like this... but to tell you the truth, I don't post things here to get advice or sympathy or anything like that. I post here because if I don't, the only other person I can vent to right now is me... do you have any idea how lonely that sounds? I'm not talking about venting to my grandparents or my dad when I know they will listen, I want to hear a voice in my ear without a phone and miles between that voice and myself. I hate this house, I hate this family, I hate this cold loveless feeling I get whenever I'm in my own home. ...I don't want to keep talking like this... but I've lost hope that things might change, that things had to change... I can't find meaning in living the lie that with time, things will get better... no matter how long I wait, I have no hope that anything will ever change. I'm done waiting... the moment I get out of this house for good is the moment I'm finally free of all of this. I've had enough of waiting, so I won't wait anymore.... All I've ever wanted was for someone to show me what love feels like. I've never known what it felt like so what is that supposed to say about the people who raised me? I know there was a time when this house was filled with love, and it was such a warm feeling, but where did that feeling go? I've forgotten what it feels like to have it around, but why do I have to forget? I'm just waiting for someone - not a parent or a family member because I doubt that they can change anything at this point - to show me what it feels like to be loved, cherished, and thought of tenderly. Maybe the reason I feel like I've become a masochist is because I'd rather have harsh contact instead of no contact at all. I bet when I'm older and I read this, I'll feel like going back and telling the me who wrote this that things will get better, but since that's not possible, nothing will change, and as far as I know, nothing is going to get better in the future... but all I can do is wish that things will change. At least in my dreams I have someone in my mind who loves me, someone who touches me and looks at me they way I need them to. Its not that I want love, its that I need love... maybe one Christmas I might actually get the ultimate gift that I've been wishing for from Santa... maybe, just maybe.
