(In case you can't read the writing on the picture: "Lost life worth living, Held in the arms of pure white feathers, Lost in the light of your smile, Holding onto your retreating figure, Died in the blood of pain and anguish, If only you were there to save me...")
So many days, so much time, too many things, all this stuff, painful heart, heavy sadness, missing someone, losing everything, gaining nothing, having no one, having those that are far away, wondering how long, wondering why I have to wait; so many things have happened and not enough time was available to recover from it. But ya know what? Even if I feel like if people are around I am still so very alone, even if I have noticed that my own mental sanctuary has become small and insignificant, even if my best friend has left for good, even if I am afraid of the future, even if I wish I would just be able to end everything, and even if I feel as though if I wait long enough, someone will take all this pain away and the time I have to wait feels never-ending, there is not a thing I can do about it. The year is coming to an end, my days of freedom are getting smaller and smaller, and all the people around me seem to get farther and farther away. I have noticed that when everything started to change, I unconsciously started building a wall; a thick, huge, tall, and cold wall around me. Its finally been completed as the school years ends and now I have seen through a small crack in that wall that was put up between me and the outside world. I am trapped within myself by my own self-consciousness and it is killing me. I have become a spectator in my own life. I don't feel like I am living, I feel like I am watching the events of life play out in front of me as a show. I feel as though if something becomes too painful, all I have to do is run away from it and it will disappear since I am just watching a show and not living it in real life. I have created a world within myself where I am unable to determine reality from fantasy and the barrier between the two has only gotten smaller. I am afraid to one day notice that my life has become nothing more than just a forgotten memory that can be easily altered and created by my own fantasies. I have poor memory, but for the things I can't remember, I always think that maybe this or that happened, and the longer I think that, those thoughts then become my new memory in place of the one I had forgotten. That has happened so much that now I can't even trust my own memory. You have no idea what its like to have to wake up every day and not be able to tell if a dream is real or not or when talking to friends and bringing up a topic of the past that you believed to be true and being told that nothing of the sort has ever happened by multiple people with the same story. Realizing that what you believed to be true all along was just a lie fabricated by your own mind and then laughing it off like some fool just so they don't laugh at you. I am afraid to think, I am afraid to remember. No one will ever understand that. My memory can't be trusted and its my own fault. I fear that every memory I have ever had was just a lie. All the friends I thought I had, the break up of my parents, being left alone all that time, missing my mom and standing at the window with a mountain off tissues waiting for her to come home as a child, my fears, my pain, my life; was it all just a lie? Was every bit of my past just a lie? Are the people standing just beyond that huge, cold wall a lie too? Why can't anyone reassure my memories? Why can't I have someone to testify that at least one of my memories is true? Why does everything remind me of how alone I am... and why do I have to suffer when there are people all around me...?
